Bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression) is a diagnostic category describing a class of mood disorders where the person experiences states or episodes of depression ...
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Confusing appointments
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I have been in a depressed state for over a month now. I haven't seen a pdoc in over a month or a tdoc in 4 months.
I recently made an appointment for my tdoc, which was for today, and I wrote it down and thought it was for 5pm and was in the shower getting ready to go at like 4:30, when all the sudden it came to mind that the 5pm appointment was for my pdoc. I rushed out to verify and saw that I was suppose to be there at 2pm. I had been looking forward to talking and getting some coping skills and tool to get me through, but I had screwed that all up. My humanity has shown through and the proof that I am not perfect has hit me hard. I really need to get in, I probably should have went into inpatient weeks ago, but I was just holding out till this appointment. Now, I have to wait another week, pay the $90 for a missed appointment plus another $90 for the appointment next week. I haven't seen any type of help since mid-June and I need help and a med adjustment. I have a pdoc appointment on Aug. 6, but was hoping to get a few tools to make it that far. I am a perfectionist, I can't recall ever missing anything in quite awhile and am feeling the fraility of being human. Which I am not use to. I have always held myself to a higher standard that most and it is really one that is unacheivable, but it has been with me my whole life. So, now I set here self-medicating, having already taken 3mgs of Klonipin to go to the tdoc, and now the beers are a flowing and tasting too good. This may sound stupid, but I am at my wits end and am not willing to do the inpatient thing. It's a pride thing. So, I will sit here with my head winning out over logic and self-medicate for the rest of the evening. Knowing that will not solve anything, but it will kill the pain that I have been feeling for so many weeks, if not months. This is not really a call for help, just a true perspective of how I feel and the anguish that living with BP can do to even the strongest of us. Posted on 07/22/08, 06:07 pm |
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Ilm sorry, hon. Please be careful. Benzos and alcohol is not a good mix. And 3 MGs is a lot, I'm only supposed to take 1/2 my .5MGs. Hang in there. If you need to go to inpatient, do it. Your life is worth so much more than your pride. *hugs* 
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If need be go inpatient, you are going to keep self medicating until you overdue it and I will have lost quite possibly the truest friend I have ever had, over what pride?perfectionism? what about your family? is it worth all that to you to keep your higher standard, that someone else has set for you
and you know you could never achieve?
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