Bereavement Support Group

What a journey this all is. I am writing today after hearing Wynton Marsalis play last night. I am from New Orleans originally and of course we have all had to deal with the grief of about our beloved and unpralleled home being destroyed and being abandoned by our nation. Wynton played in Dallas, where I am staying with a friend before going tomorrow to where I have been living in the Northeast. My heart almost burst with sadness, pride, joy and then of course that thing that happens to all of us. You know that moment when you are doing something and you think, " I can't wait to tell Mom how good this was and how moved I was by Wynton and his group's stirring music". She taught me to love music and books and writing and telling stories and on and on. So right in the middle of the song "Alabama", I remembered that my mother would not be there if I called. So I cried, just so deeply, I could barely breathe.

My mother will be buried at Arlington on Monday. She will lay next to my stpefather who was a war hero. There will be flags and bugles and ceremony. I am terrified about going. I know it makes it all real and final. I am happy she will be somewhere permanent, but I am scared of the actual day.

The last funeral I went to was when I was 10. My aunt killed herself when she was 20 and my mom was 32. Before killing herself, she murdered my grandmother who was trying to stop her from shooting herself. She was on drugs and out of her mind. I remember my mother's hysteria, mine and that funeral where everyone was wailing, myself included. They were buried the same day and it is engraved in my memory.I even remember the smell of the flowers on my Aunt's grave. It was violets, and to this moment if I smell violets, I am back at that grave on that day.

I have gotten so much from this site. So many people have stories that are so deeply moving. I am humbled by our shared humanity, how we all fall apart, hold together, hurt, heal, grow. We are strong, weak, strong again, scared, brave and tired. We are humans and it is hard.

My mom used to tell me that the thing about really bad times is that people that her and me know that they WILL go on. She told me, "baby, you always have and always will survive. It is who you are. You are scared because you know that you ARE going to walk into this." It is true. I try to remember that I walk through and that there is always the other side.

My head knows that, my heart is 10. And I am scared.

Caroline
Posted on 09/20/07, 05:09 pm