Bereavement Support Group

Im am back in college at age 44.This is my third semester. Im am doing this for myself by myself. it would be nice if I had family support but I have learned sometimes its better not to have "family" if all you get it from them is degrading pain, low self-esteem and abuse, be it physical or mental. I know from my life experiences. The cycle of abuse has ended with me and my son and I had to make the choice of not having a relationship with those in my family that hurt, abused, and ridiculed me all my life. My childhood sucked, raped at 6, humiliated, ignored, abused and abandoned. Rebelled and moved out on my on at 13 and dealt with more abuse, sexual and physical. My brother always seemed to find me at my lowest and even had to take me to the er after one particular brutal beating I got from a boyfriend with a bad temper and a set of numchuks . I wont blame my parents they had there own problems to deal with that they had inherited from their parents. Its amazing how a cycle of abuse is like a ripple in a river it just spreads out and continues. If it weren’t for my only brother, my only sibling, I don’t know where or who I would be today. He protected me when I was a child on many occasions the best way he could and he was only 1 year older than me. He stood up for me and for my son. He feed us when we were without food, and always listened to me and had comforting words of love for me, and I was there for him in his dark days, through the suicide attempts, the loneliness, the drunken phone calls of depression and the long talks we shared about the world, people and yes even religion. He always excepted me and I him. we could talk about anything and everything with out shock or judgement. We understood each other because we went through hell together, I would not be who I am today. I owe my loving, forgiving, and caring nature to him. We were survivors. He passed away may 5th from ALS after a long battle with this evil disease. It robbed him of his dignity and trapped him in a useless shell of a body. He was my only thread to my family. Now I feel no need to subject my self to the backstabbing, drama, manipulation, disappointments, the mental abuse of disapproval and the hate that my family still feeds on. I went to his viewing and memorial service, which was horrible, and seemed orchestrated for the selfish needs for some and only hurt my son and me, this all flooded back to me and reminded me why I shut off my family from my life, with exception to my son who is my hero and the best thing I ever accomplished in my life who also had to endure with my family’s abuse, I now feel totally without family with him gone. He was my family and was always just one phone call away. But I am grateful that he taught me to forgive but not except abuse in my life anymore. he choice to maintain a relationship of sorts with family because he new he was dying. I choice not to for my own mental health. He showed me how to overlook others short comings and except people for how they are and until you have walked in their shoes you can not judge them. Unfortunately he did not teach me how to handle losing some one you love. It like part me has died with him. He and i were both far from perfect we were both scared and damaged and did things I dare not admit to in writing ( he he). We both had to learn on our own how to grow up, turn our lives around and be proud of ourselves and become good loving adults. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But he did help me to be strong. So for him I will persevere.
Posted on 05/17/08, 12:05 am