Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, so...
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Its been a little over 4 months since my b/f passed away. We had been seeing each other for just about a year. He lived in Florida and I live in Arizona. We traveled back and forth to meet up with each other through out the year. Things seemed so perfect, until my life came to a screaming halt Dec. 23. I received a phone call from his daughter...saying he had passed away...He died from two back to back heart attacks in his sleep. He didn't have a history of heart problems and was for the most part fairly healthy. Well, not only did I receive the news that he has passed away that morning, I also found out that he was married. I had no idea....I was crushed in more ways than one....here the love of my life has died..and not only did he die....he was married to someone else....I wanted to be angry at him...but I couldn't.....I loved him and still do....His wife knew I didn't know about her...she read all the e-mails that were exchanged and he never mentioned her. Still, even though she doesn't hold me responsible, I feel guilty. I feel like everything is my fault.. After finding he was married, I couldn't bring myself to fly out for the funeral...I didn't get a chance to say good bye.....I don't want to say good bye. Well....since that day...his wife has sent me a few e-mails to check on me and what not...she has proven to be a very kind-hearted person.
With all the support I am getting from family and friends, I can't seem to move forward. I took a week off of work ..and then took on a full load of college courses, and going to the gym, to try and keep myself as busy as I could. I didn't want to think about it....it hurts too much. I tried to repress all of my emotions as much as I could so I could function.....(I'm a Pre-K teacher) I needed to be strong at work for my class. Now that the semester is coming to an end, I am falling apart at the seams. I find myself crying, and when I start...I can't stop. I miss being happy, I use to love life so much.....he completed me. I love him, but I am so angry as well. I don't know what to feel and how to move on from this. . .I don't know where else to go....that's why I came here....I needed someone to listen....someone to understand......someone to tell me it's not my fault.....*cry* Posted on 05/03/08, 01:05 am |
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It is not your fault, but i feel the only way you will be able to move on is to go and say your goodbye. It may be what you need to do to start the healing process. His wife sounds like a nice person if she has been in contact with you. It is only my opinion, you are the only one that can make the decision. 
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Your doing the " if I don't accept it, it will go away " greif denial saying. Unfortunatly you have to grieve, you've lost someone whom you trusted and he also let you down by not telling you, about his wife. His wife has done the opposite and welcomed you rather than being mad, which is what you thought would happen. You were robbed of saying goodbye so that is another part that fires your denial of his passing. You must release this emotion as it does no good, I'm only finding this out now and it's taken me 24years to do it. If you want to talk or rant or whatever, I'll listen. Please see a councillor to also help you with this, your not helping yourself by keeping the feeling locked in. If the children notice, just say that your feeling sad because you've lost a friend, kids are more understanding than adults at times. Be well, I hope this will help you, good luck.
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his being married and you not knowing was not your fault at all. i can feel the pain in your writing I am so sorry for you i think that your grieving his death but also other thing that wnet on it will take time Iknow the pain you feel as I and many other here i felt it and still do I hope that your find the help you need here huggskathyjo(((((hug))
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Of course it's not your fault. What you thought was a beautiful thing turned into soemething clandestine that you now have to hide. Not only did you have no chance to say good-bye, but you had the shock of betrayal coupled with no acknowledgement! You were no culprit. You were a victim. I'm very sorry this happened to you. You had the loss without even getting the benefit of the consolation.
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