Bereavement Support Group

Baby Michaels story:

When I got pregnant my boyfriend(at the time) john, asked me to get an abortion. Him and his mother both told me i was selfish for not getting an abortion. i dont believe in abortion, its murder. I couldnt stand him after that. We fought all the time. We found out when i was about four months along that the triple screen came back saying the levels were elevated and the baby had a 10percent chance that something really horrible was wrong. Well, we were the 10percent bc he had spina bifida. THey gave me the option to terminate and i said no. they told me his chances of survival were very slim. i still said no. if God wanted this baby then GOD can take this baby, i refused to take the life of my son. John graduated from NTI on dec 10th(on a friday) and told me i wasnt allowed to go to his graduation. he turned off his phone and three days later i found out he went back to NY. He left 6days b4 my bday and two weeks b4 christmas. it was horrible. i heard from him a couple of times but utimatley cut off all contact. him and his mother wanted a paternity test. i'm stressed enough worrying about my son DYING and they want a paternity test. when the doctor TOLD THEM i ovulated july 12 and that was the first time we slept together and his dumbass came inside me (maybe too much info but I KNOW John is michaels father) anyway
April 6 2005 6:01 AM I gave birth to Michael.
That hospital visit was hell itself...we had to drive an hour to carolinas medical center bc of the complications. At midnite i was in a lot of pain and they observed me for an hour and sent me home. told me not to come back, told me to take tylenol and go to bed. gave me a pill and said this will help you sleep take a bath go to bed. well i didnt sleep. 4am i was in so much pain i couldnt walk. so at 4am we drove BACK to CMC and i was 10CM dialated and ready to push. i got no epidural. i have never cussed so much in my whole life. i have never been in so much pain in all of my life. i litterally thought i was going to die it hurt so bad. his shoulders got stuck so four nurses got up on the bed and pushed on my stomache and i RIPPED. it hurt so bad. i know this is detailed but i wanted you to know the whole story. i could tell it was bad..i kept saying "is my baby alive"? is my baby ok? is my baby alive? they took him away to the NICU. After sewing me up they wheeled me down there and warned me that it was bad...his heart had to be restarted and one of his lungs collapsed from the breathing machine. HIs kidneys didnt form right and throughout the pregnancy there was no amniotic fluid therefore his lungs didnt develop and he couldnt breathe on his own. he couldnt handle the breathing machine. when i saw him my heart sank. he was hooked up to all of these machines with all of these needles and tubes everywhere. then they asked me "do you want us to stop" i could see my baby was in so much pain. how could i let them keep going and prolong his suffering knowing he couldnt make it on his own. they asked me again and i reluctantly said "yes". how do you make that choice? its so hard. it was like a scene from a movie they said "mother requests stop 741am" they turned off the bright light he was under ...i remember hearing all the other babies crying and one nurse asking "did they know"? dark and grey is all i remember about that day. i held him while he took his last breath. i thought it would be weird and scary but he kind of sighed and that was it. they told me i could hold him as long as i wanted to. i held him for nine hours after that...wanting to believe he was just sleeping. they gave me a little room to sit in and my family came and left andi rocked him and held him and cried. i kissed him and held him and we took pictures and some video footage that i still have not watched. and its almost been two years. they let me give him a little bath and let me cut a lock of his hair. i finally told them to just take him away from me bc if they didnt i would never give him back. i wanted to die with him. i wanted him to come back. part of me died that day and i miss him so much. ok now i'm crying but this helps to write about it. If he had lived, he never would have walked and he would have suffered everyday of his life. He would have to have over 20surguries. he was creamated and b4 they did, i was allowed to say goodbye at the funeral home. i wanted to hold him..i didnt want to leave...so i just walked in and kissed his cold forehead and walked away. and cried. his urn sits in my room in his display case. i have a necklace w/his ashes in it so does my mom, my sister and both of my grandmothers. i have a tattoo in his memory. we had a beautiful memorial service and my grandparents put a memorial stone at the graveyard at our church in florida. i think of him everyday. never heard from john again. heard from an old friend that he was told the bad news and said "oh well". how coldhearted is that? And before I got pregnant again I was so jealous by all the other moms with their perfect babies and all the happy families. I went back to work too soon and when I would see babies at work I would break down and cry and the customers had no clue. That’s why I try so hard to be considerate of others feelings bc you have NO idea what another person is going through. i know i will hold him again in heaven and i know Jesus is taking extra special care of him. My sweet sweet angel i miss him so much........
Posted on 02/01/07, 08:02 pm