Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophic...
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I thought I was starting to do a little better
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I really thought I was doing better than I am. It will be only 3 weeks tomorrow, so not much time has passed.
I own three different businesses and they are fairly demanding. During the past 2 weeks, I have been working when I can and trying to stay busy, though I am falling pretty far behind. Anyway, I had started to be able to function a little better day to day doing a little more as time goes by. I even met some friends out Friday night to go watch a basketball game. My daughter was at a friends house. When I got home Friday night to an empty house, I broke down and life has been very bad every since. I took the kids to see my wife's family for Easter then mine later that night. I dropped the kids off at home so I could visit Karen's grave site. They really weren't up to it. Of course, I broke down again. Today has been a particularly bad day. EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I miss her so much!! Being a single dad doing the job we were supposed to share has been so hard. The kids are handling things, seemingly, better than I am. For that I am glad. Karen had been sick with Pneumonia and Bronchitis and aspirated while she and I slept. I feel so guilty because I didn't wake up and save her. I feel so angry because she saw a doctor the day before and had an appointment that day with a pulmonologist. She should have been admitted to the hospital. But, mostly, I just feel sad and miss her. How can I get through this is I keep going backward? Sadly, I haven't even taken enough steps forward to even go backward. I just don't know what to do!! Sorry for the long post... Posted on 03/24/08, 11:03 pm |
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Like you said its only been 3 weeks. You will have good days and bad days. Some weeks will seem easier than others. Keeping busy and keeping your mind occupied will help. Grieving comes in stages and your just in the first stage right now.
Hang in there sounds like your doing ok. Just remember that we are here to talk or listen. Good luck to you. Hugs 
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I've learned that this grieving process is like being on a roller coaster. You're not going backwards, you were just thrown for a loop. It's only been 5 weeks for me, but I've found that sometimes I takes one step forward and two steps back. But the really bad times are getting farther apart. It's okay to keep grieving and I imagine you'll probably do it for the rest of your life.
You're not going to get over what happened. I think you're going to learn to live with it and grieving is a part of that so let yourself do it if you need to. And whenever you need support, I've found that this is the place to be. I'm sorry for your loss. HTH.
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First off I'm so very sorry about your wife. Grief is such an up and down ride. In the beginning it's mostly down. I can be fine one minute and in the next be a mess.
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Sorry to hear about your wife, and everything is still so fresh. I found for the first month I did not keep it together very well and concentration/focus was nonexistent. I was lucky and had my sister-in-law with me for a week before returning to Texas, and my younger brother was around for 2 1/2 weeks. They were great helping me get the house and yard ready for winter and a few projects that needed to be done that I couldn't handle by myself. They were great! My brother and I took off for a day and drove to Portland, ME & had lunch then headed back down the coast of Maine on Route 1. I showed him the three clamming spots that Ted went to and the beach we would go to in the summer and take walks throughout the year whenever we could. It really helped sharing those spots with him. Once by myself I was so up and down and have many meltdowns, which still occur, but a little less frequently. The memories are still so fresh even after 5 months, the day before Easter. It does help to stay busy but I do like the quiet alone times where I can just ... and know it is alright. The last 2 weeks of being on DS has also been very helpful and supportive.
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Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom. As sorry as I am for your losses, it is helpful to talk with people that actually understand.
Today was a better day. Though it hasn't helped that I have been dealing with a doctor that drug his rear end on signing the death certificate. Then, it was rejected by the state because he didn't complete something. The funeral home, which has been great, finally got it taken care of today. This doctor was the doctor that saw Karen 17-18 hours before she died. I still get angry thinking about her in his office telling him how bad she was feeling. Anyway, hopefully tonight will be OK after my daughter goes to bed. Usually, that is when things get a little worse. I am absolutely horrible at asking for or taking help from people. My neighbors and Karen's Bunko group have been so nice. The family across the street brought us a great meal tonight. They have been bringing food a couple times a week and plan to continue for a while. I have got to find a way to thank them. I get so sad thinking about events that we have coming up. Karen's son, my step-son, is graduating from high school June 4th, exactly 3 months after her death. She was so proud. Now, Nathan has to walk without his mom there to show him how much she loves him. We are going on vacation with my dad for Spring break. I really wanted to do this because you never know how much time you have left with the people you love. I couldn't have ever imagined the last vacation with Karen was to be our last. Thank you again for listening (reading)!! It means a lot.
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when i was 36 years old my husband of 13 years, and he was 35, passed over in a chemical explosion at work. i was left with 3 small children.i know how you feel now, and its very very fresh. this all happened to me in 1989..it helped me at the time to see a grief counselor, i was not well versed on grief. one thing i can tell you is this..the shock and pain and this early pain that is so seering will, i promise you, ease up in time. this is a promise. it will not hurt as much as it does now, but it will take time. please know i understand. hugs.
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Pretty much everything I read and hear says there are no steps to take -there is no forward and backward. As someone said it's a rollercoaster ride. You're okay one minute and in the depths of despair the next and then feel like at least you can function and then meltdown again, etc. etc. etc. Once I figured out that I should stop expecting myself to feel better and better as time went by, I felt better about not iving up to others' and my own expectations. I just say I have bad days, really bad days, and not-so-bad days. Today was not-so-bad and I'm afraid tomorrow will be really bad. It's the 2-month anniversary of my fiance's death.
Sue
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I am so sorry about your wife. But it wasn't anything you neglected to do, how could it be? And 3 weeks, omigosh. It's no wonder you feel like you do.
As grievers, we get handed a bunch of cliches. Gaggles of them. One day at a time. Take steps foward. Oh let's boil it down past all that and look at what you're REALLY doing. You are a terrific dad to your kids. You're sticking together and living life, and if it's haltingly hard at times, it's still your family and it's still your life. You have that accomplishment on your scorecard. I'm repeating myself here, but it's true for me. I know what really matters. And if you set limits on yourself right now as to how much you should be feeling, DON'T. And if you think you're failing at life and unable to keep up, shave off some of the excess and go with the basics in life. You have so much in your life that is precious. The rest can wait or get less attention. Focus on you and yours. I admire the heck out of you. It's a better world with you here.
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