Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, so...
|
Truth is Stranger than Fiction
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts |
I am new here, and I want to share my story as best I can, although it has so many angles it will be hard to capture it all here. My birth father was as good as a drunk in the alley, only he did drugs instead. I have no good memories of him. He was the perfect angel. Anything that went wrong was my fault, or someone else's. The tragic part is that I was forced to stay with him and my also abusive mom for all of my growing up years. We lived in constant poverty, fighting, abuse, and belligerence. Everything that happened was the fault of us kids. My parents were perfect angels and could do no wrong. Then one day it happened. My dad needed to go somewhere and because of the poor health he had created for himself, someone had to take him so I drove. Unknown to me, there was a malfunctioning light; both ways had green at the same time. Tragically, we crashed into a semi and my dad was in critical condition and died several hours later. I was inwardly cussing at the rescue squad for even taking him to the hospital. "Just let him die!" I wanted to scream. The only reason I kept quiet was because the last thing I needed was for someone to think I needed to be in a mental ward. I have never been a religious person but try to be spiritual. That day, right after the crash, I felt the presence of god. There was an audible voice saying, "Don't blame yourself. I did this." My mouth just dropped open and has not closed to this day. That god made this light to be malfunctioning to remove my dad from the scenes. Unbelievable!!!! For the first time in my life I knew I was not alone in tapping foot for him to be removed from life. Oh yes, there was all the legal stuff: cops upset that their "secret" was now exposed - they had known of the malfunction and chose not to do anything; upset the whole county!!!!!!!! I was supported on every side by friends and neighbors. But the part I could not bring myself to tell them was of the awful abuse (even though I know most people knew) and that he is better off dead. The minute he was pronounced dead I wanted to go to the highest mountain and have a dancing, guitar-playing, star-bouncing celebration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The question I have been asking ever since is, "How do you grieve the hurt left by someone who was a real part of your life but in such a sick, deplorable way? How do you even feel sadness when all you can feel is ecstatic joy and intense relief?" Unfortunately, as deplorable as "home" was before this event, things only got worse afterward. My mom still had her shame and blame issues, and my siblings were so caught up in their reaction to their abuse issues that everywhere was like touching a hot plate and there was no peace and rest. I seem to be the only one who has gotten counseling for the abuse issues and tried to rebuild my life. I have talked with my therapist about all of this and more, and even had times when I specifically brought my dad into the session and talked to him straight. I thought this would help. Maybe it did. But the issue is far from closed. Somewhere inside of me I feel the need to grieve, but I have no idea what part of me this is or how to access it. I know grieving is a necessary part of dealing with loss, but to me my dad's death was nothing but gain -- yet I still feel like there is unfinished business inside of me but don't know where. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience? I hope to hear from you.
Posted on 02/09/08, 08:02 pm |
| 7 Replies | Add Your Reply |
| View More Posts |
My thought is that you have to start where you are now. Your dad sounds like some of my old nemeses -- it's a little shocking to finally lose them, as if the cold wind you've always leaned against suddenly stopped, and you fell flat on your face. It takes a little getting used tom, but it's not bad or anything. At least that's how it felt for me.
Work through the anger first, and afterwards see if there is any grief left. There may not be. Which sounds like a fitting epitaph for a guy who loved his drugs more than he did his kids. 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
If you arent grieving, don't bring yourself down by trying to! You might not be at that stage yet. It's hard to forgive people that hurt us, maybe you need to forgive him for the things he did, so that you can move on to saying goodbye with a clean slate, with all the bad things out of your mind.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
Who says you have to grieve? Just because a man can biologically create you does NOT make him a father... sounds like yours was way off of that path. God snatched him away... maybe to save YOU! Just pray that your father has now found some peace and let the evil within him go. Find one good memory and be thankful for that one. Let the rest go.
LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! You are a strong young woman... you know what is best for you... Embrace your life ahead! My best wishes for you!
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
Hi, thank-you for your responses. I found it healing just to get this stuff off my chest and to at least hear someone's "live voice" on the topic. One of the reasons I never felt free to voice my relief to anyone other than my therapist is because I felt people would get the wrong impression; you know how people are; I just felt that it would come back on me. Here I can share it anonymously and at least it is another place to be completely honest about the things that bug me.
I must say that I found the advice here in part helpful and in part not so helpful. I agree with the need to start where I am. I admit that I am still trying to decide where I really am, and this writing is part of the process in my discovery of where I am. Cliff, you make it sound so simple to just let go. I admit that letting go has always been one of my weaknesses. I have lived my growing up years in the desperate hopes that my dad would change. This hope was all I had to cling to, so I held on for dear life. Not only did I have all the normal needs of a child for a good father, but I also kept in front of me the hope that I will someday have one. I see now that this was a coping mechanism. I do not need to let go of who he was not, but of who I wanted him to be. This I am working on. Stain and ncm, I see that you two have missed a big part of me in this equation. You imply that I am "trying to grieve." The truth is, I have lived all my life being a diehard, dogmatic anti-sadness freak! I could not bear to have any sadness whatsoever (even though my cup was running over with it daily), so I decided that the way to beat all these horrible things is to focus on the positive every minute of every day. Well, my plan had holes in it; my friends started to ask me, in essence, why I am not in counseling. Now ncm tells me to keep running from the pain and live. ncm, I have news for you. This is precisely what I have been doing for ALL my life in one way or another, and my desperate attempts have left me completely exhausted and stone broke. When I talked about grieving, I was referring to that deep awareness inside of me that says, "now for the first time in your life, it is safe to be sad and to grieve all the losses you have never felt safe to grieve." One is the loss of having my hell of a dad, who was worse to me than no dad at all. Stain, I am deeply grateful to you for mentioning the difficult topic of forgiveness. I will be the first person to tell you that I stink at forgiveness. I know all the facts about it inside out and backwards, the most poignant one being that by forgiving I am not endorsing, only freeing myself. I know I stink at it. I have had many people over the years tell me, in essence, that I must really like to be angry. I'm like, heck, yeah!!!!!!!!!! Bring it on, I'll do a right job of MAD!!!!!!!!!!! I seem to have a greater capacity for anger than most people that I know. Gradually, the truth is sinking in about my need to forgive and let go... I have done a good bit of thinking about it, and I believe I am ready to embark in the journey. But I have built my entire life around my dad, unknown to me. So to work on letting it go feels like death. It is ripping out the center of my lovely home! Thank-you all for listening and supporting me, and for putting up with all my MAD!!!!! ;)
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
I'm wondering if what you are grieving is not so much the loss of your Dad, but the loss of your childhood and a father figure that you never had?!
Its ok not to be saddened by the death of your Dad, but at the same time you have to acknowledge the things you have lost...your childhood and the need for a father. A day at a time is all you have to do, and allow yourself to have the emotions involved in the real death and the loss of something you didn't have.. (((hugs))))
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
Right on, dilli, thank-you for your insights! I am grieving the loss of things I never had, like a dad, childhood, innocence; and it is very, very overwhelming to me. I try to take it in steps, it helps but I find it is not something I can always turn on and off when I want to. This is very painful and difficult for me. I see you have had major losses like natural disasters in your life. No doubt this helps you see life in a whole new way and be more compassionate to others. I remember the days of hell in my childhood, when I used to desperately WISH a natural disaster would come and wipe out at least my parents.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts |
I don't know if this will help or not. All I know is that, in a very small way, I may understand - a bit. You and I are different and any experiences we have had in the past have been dealt with differently. Having said that - I will share what I have gone through (a bit anyway). My father was an abusive alcoholic. Homelife was horrible. My father died in 1984. It took me a long time to be able to forgive. But one day, I realized that I had something inside of me that was not quite 'finished' - thoughts of what I went through in my childhood always seemed to make me sad - and mad. So, about 3-4 years ago, I sat down and wrote my father a letter. I wrote down all the anger I felt, all that he had done (and not done). It was completely honest and after writing it, I put it away. A few months later, I read it and tried to read it from a 'distance' meaning that I tried to read it as if someone else had written it. And I felt so so sorry for that poor child who had experienced all that stuff in her childhood. And I cried for that poor child (me). It was later that I was able to write another letter to my father, this time one where I forgave him and 'released' him. Then I took both letters and I burned them. Now, I can look back on my childhood and just accept it for what it was. I live each day now trying to be kind to others, to understand others, and I think that my upbringing was what it was, that is all. But today is today and I am not who I was when I was a child, wishing my father dead. I feel sorry for him, for what he missed, and I also understand that he had a sickness - so in a way I feel sorry for him. I could go on and on, but that is the gist of it. I know you have to find your own way. Just wanted to share my own journey.
|
|
|
|
||
my body feels like it has gone through the ringer. i am exhausted. my cycle is shot to heck. my head throbs on and …
My parent's are still alive. The people who abused me in so many ways are still alive. However, they are not part of …
I wouldlike to introduce myself. I am mother of two children (ages 8 & 6) and a wife for almost 10yrs. I have …
