Anxiety refers to a complex combination of negative emotions that includes fear, apprehension and worry, and is often accompanied by physical sensations such as palpitations, nause...
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Dating and Sex
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So, the definition of insanity is making the same mistake over and over again expecting different results, right? Well, then, why do I continue to make the same mistake over and over!? The worst part is being aware of the mistake.. and yet STILL not doing anything about it to change the behavior! It's like watching yourself fall down stairs.
Well, the mistake in question is as follows: I'm at a stage in my life that I'm dating again after having had only two very serious long-term relationships. As someone who enjoys being with a partner but also has severe anxiety when it comes to dating, I often feel like dating is probably the hardest thing ever for me to deal with. So the problem is that when I like a guy, I end up sleeping with him WAY earlier then I think I should... like on the second date. A couple times even on the 1st date.. Then the next day, I end up completely freaking out about it and becoming an utter mess. I know that many woman know this feeling, where you've sort of put yourself in a "vulnerable" place. Allowing things to move too quickly, not "playing the game," etc. Normally, I'm a very confident woman. I also enjoy intimacy. I always feel very comfortable and ok with being physical in the moment and am ok with moving forward sexually (and of course it never seems to be a problem for the guy!).. But then by the end of the next day after the date, I start feeling extremely anxious and nervous and rather crappy about myself. I'm not really sure how to handle this.. Recently, I've just completely broken things off the with the guy in question even if things are going well, even if he's still really interested, etc.. (This has happened three times with people who may have actually been col guys, if I had allowed things to progress a bit more slowly, maybe. So, I don't want this to continue on as a pattern for me and I guess I want to know, should I try really hard to NOT engage in physical intimacy even when it feels right in the moment, knowing that in 12 hours, I'll feel really crappy? Or should I allow myself to be intimate and figure out how to better handle the subsequent emtotional turmoil that's going to come next? I guess I need help with either option.. I feel at a loss on both counts. Perhaps, I should just throw in the towel and forget this whole dating thing altogether!! Posted on 07/02/08, 05:07 pm |
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sex always complicates dating. it sounds to me like you would be better off delaying sex until you know one another better. good luck. 
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I definitly try to "abstain" as it were, but I always seem to get swept up in the moment. I think that delaying is likely the safest option altogether though. Thanks for your feedback!
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If this is not something you want, I would make sure I was in a place where it couldn't happen. Meeting at the movies, for dinner, etc. Just calling it a night after. If you feel that bad about it after, you truly need to do something to keep yourself out of an intimate situation. Good luck!
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So what is it specifically you get anxious about after you have had sex with these people? What does having sex wtih this guy mean to you since you feel anxious, crappy, and nervous? I don't think sex is the problem, I thin the fact that you get wiggy the morning after which is the issue.
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I think you're right Chazhung. It's not necessarily the sleeping with the guy.. I think it's the vulnerability that I feel the day after or having let myself get close to someone. I also tend to replay everything in my head.. Did I say the right thing? Did I do something weird? Does he think I'm a "slut" or "easy?" Is he now going to take me for granted? Does the fact that I am able to become intimate so quickly mean that I don't value myself? Or hold myself in high regard? Or does it just mean that I'm impatient? I think that I do tend to move towards physical intimacy quickly, because it feels comfortable and comforting. I feel sort of "loved" and cared for in the moment.. and then the next day I realize. Hmmm, I don't really know this person at ALL! That was silly to let myself feel so intense with that person.. He may not even call me! Maybe I just need to learn to respect myself more? I dunnos. I think that Faithful is Ultimately right though.. since obviously sex DOES complicate things.. especially when you're an analyzer like me.
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For now, yes. But you are analzying things out of fear, watching out for something that might harm you in some way. When you learn to recognize what really is bad and harmful, and what is just your brain getting frantic, then it won't be complicated, you'll be able to sleep with whoever you want, when you want without any anxiety, guilt or anything like that.
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Thanks.. That's a good way of looking at it. Instead of beating myself up for feeling like a made a bad decisions.. I can remember that it is natural and not feel so fearful of it. Of course, I think ultimately my brain gets so worked up because it's the survival instinct. I don't want to get hurt! Who does?
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There is being aware of the possibility of being hurt and doing what you want anyways and there is the active act of avoiding something. The second implies that you feel there is some kind of danger. There may be and there may not be. For example if you are afraid of spiders, and you see a spider you are afraid, but there technically isn't danger, unless it on you and its poisonous, you are just afraid of it. Its the same way with this, you are seeing something as potentially dangerous whenit may or may not be, so the question is....
Is it really dangerous or painful?
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I guess I really do perceive that there is some kind of danger here. Whether it's real or imagined, I certainly feel it. (I guess that's sort of what panic attacks are -- a physical and psychosomatic reaction to a percieved threat that may or may not be there). I suppose just in the fact that there's a chance of getting hurt, that feels dangerous.. as well as the ambiguity of it all, not knowing what the other person is thinking. But really the worst thing that can happen is that the guy is not interested and I move on with the awareness that I should work on taking things more slow. It won't be physical pain, but a bit hard on the self-esteem, I suppose. But you're right, I'm not gonna die from it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say. I guess when it comes to any sort of relationship sitaution, I just become a bit over-sensative.. over stimulated, if you will.. and that's when I begin to feel out of control. So, perhaps part of the anxiety is also about losing some control..
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i think alot of it has to do with how we think about sex, is it an expression of love or is it just a physical thing. if you equate sex with love waiting until you get to know the guy and finding out how deeply you feel for him might be the best way to go. most women feel guilty having sex just for pleasure, where guys have no problem with it. it sounds to me like you are afraid to have true emotional intimacy with someone because that's the kind that can really hurt if it doesn't work out.
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