The term anger management commonly refers to a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which someone with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or r...
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Lost Trust, Losing Marriage
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Hi all,
I am the wife of someone who cannot control his anger. He has had court ordered anger management, I told him our marriage will not improve until he seeks counseling, (which he only went to for a few sessions and feels it is still all me) and I'm at my wits end. In arguements, he yells, I tell him there is no reason to yell. He threatens me, I tell him it will get him no where but a divorce if he keeps it up. I told him he needs to realize that his promise of not yelling anymore, remaining mature and no more all or nothing threats, among a slew of other promises he breaks in the next arguement are why I don't trust him. That only leads to him being angry that I don't trust him, and I need to give him that 1,000th chance to change. He thinks he should be forgiven, and I should move on. I don't even want intimate relations with him, we haven't had sex in almost a year. I don't feel close to him, and all his actions in an arguement, although I point it out to him as he is doing it, telling him that this is what is wrecking it, he continues. He is literally shown and still denies it. He thinks that if he does something nice, everything is hunky-dory, and I should be fine. All I can think of is all the arguements, how much he hurt and betrayed me and how disgusted I am that he chooses to not help himself or us. Even our 5 year old begging him to stop yelling doesn't make him realize the damage. He actually told him that mommy hates daddy right now and we need to argue! I blew up at that point and said how dare you drag our son into adult problems, and what kind of father says that to his son?? I hate my husband for doing that. I don't see an end in sight. It is only getting worse. I feel like I am losing the last string of love for him, and don't know where else to turn. Can anyone please tell me, from someone who feels like he does, what I can do, what I can tell him, ANYTHING that will help?? I would really appreciate anything you have to say. I couldn't think of a better place to post this, than withpeople who are in his position, and I may not fully understand what is motivating him. You do. I'm open-minded, and am trying to understand. I'm at a make or break point here, and am desperate. Thanks in advance! Posted on 07/20/08, 10:07 am |
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Your beautiful son is beginning to suffer from his anger. If he cannot see how badly he is hurting both of you then you might have to make the first move and get out of this marriage. My husband has anger issues also and I have calmly told him that if he cannot control himself then I will have to leave. Things have gotten better but then again, you never know when the anger is going to take place. I've told him that his anger scares me and I truly mean that. I am not used to yelling and I can't tolerate it. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. 
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It is always complicated, isn't it? He knows I will leave...I guess when he shows me a little no matter how small, I cave. I don't want my son to grow up in a broken home like both my husband and I did, and that is the only reason. As long as he makes an attempt, I hope it lasts. Or that he really means it this time. How can I get him to truly realize the damage? I get strangely calm when I talk to him while he is yelling, determined to not get drug into it further. I have even let him continue to taunt me to argue, and pretended he isn't in the room. Every once in awhile as he follows me throughout the house with his threats that I better talk, I calmly remind him that I will not talk to you until you can stop yelling, talk rationally that drives to a solution, and maturely. He keeps going. I don't know what else to do. I thought if I could print out responses here and show him that it isn't just me, that he needs to see it from people on his side of the fence, mabie it could show him this is serious. Thanks for the response...I need all the help I can get!
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my husband has an anger problem. The only thing thats calmed him down is me calling the police and having him locked up 3-4 times. Now hes starting to realize it is him not me. Try getting him on meds. Prozac or does he have adhd unteated? Look into some of these things. make a pledge to both get on some meds. When you talk to him about getting meds. Except some of the responciblity of the argueing not that its your fault but it will help him be more receaving of his share of the problem.
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What a handsome young man you have. Remember young children especially boys are soooooo influenced by there parent's actions and your husband's uncontrollable anger is only teaching your son the same behaviors - someone that beautiful doesn't need to grow up in a house full of anger nor take that journey himself. You have to remember, any counseling, court-ordered or otherwise does not NO GOOD - UNLESS the person seeking the counseling actually wants to be there. in addition the previous anger - all the court ordered stuff "is your fault" even if it's not - that's the way your husband is going to perceive it. You can tell yourself you are trying to stay in the marriage, but marriage or no marriage, his anger isn't going to change until he's ready to change that. We all know how we react to "threats" we either become more defensive or we blow them off - actions speak louder than any threats - you must protect yourself and your son - he's not thinking about either of you, only himself - anger is a devil's playground, anger is a very harmful and damaging emotion and anger is also a very selfish emotion - anger if not dealt with properly is also an "excuse" emotion - i work in the world of family law and we don't encourage divorces, we just have to help people get thru them - but it sounds like you've taken every measure possible - you don't have to be told the solution to this situation, you know what it is, you now have to find the strength inside to do what you know is absolutely best for yourself and if not for yourself for your son. i truly apologize if this seems a little harsh, i truly try to be kind in all my posts - but you and your child are living with a explosion waiting to happen - and then the regrets you will have at that point will haunt you for the rest of your life - i will pray hard for your strength - i will also pray for your husband - and i will say extra prayers for that extremely beautiful young son of yours. peace be with you my friend.
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