Alcoholism Support Group

P.S. Please don't think this is an attack, rather, I am reaching out for answers that I can't get otherwise.

lastlaugh,

I don't usually let someone who comes across as a moralist on a crusade take my inventory, but in your case I'm prepared to make an exception. Here are my answers to your questions.

Did you conciously watch yourself make choices that you knew would murder the precious things in your life?

Nothing was more precious than drinking. The reason for that is becase I couldn't cope with the rest of life without it. Alcohol allowed me to overcome what would otherwise have been crippling and paralyzing fear, doubt and insecurity.

Did you still have feelings for those things, even though you knew you were throwing them away?

Sure. Who wouldn't?

Could you see the suffering you created, or did you convince yourself it didn't really matter?

Sure, but drinking was self-preservation, and if I didn't exist, who would be there to care?

And what finally woke you up?

About 900 gallons or so or 80 to 100 proof liquor.

**if you say "hitting rock bottom", define.

When alcohol eventually made me feel worse instead of better.

Because what can be more rock bottom than watching the souls of your loved ones break against you?

Being totally annihilated. The psychiatrist Rollo May once asked, "If your hair was on fire and you were standing by a swimming pool, would you jump in? Well, now you know what an alcoholic feels like when he needs a drink."

Why isn't that enough???

If you have to ask, then I don't think you understand alcoholism.

I wasn't married with a family, but I was with the man whom I thought was the love of my life. He had confronted me about choices I'd made, the way I did things; in other words, expressed concerns about moving forward like we were discussing. I knew I wanted him and I'd be miserable without him but I couldn't stop doing what I was doing.

The straw that broke the camel's back for him was when he found out I'd been driving with a suspended license. In my mind it wasn't his problem & I didn't need to tell him. Never mind that we had gone away for a weekend and rented a car that he let me drive some.
I had put both of us in danger, moreso him because it was his credit card and license that had rented the car. I had deceived him which he knew, I didn't see it that way because I would never have deceived him.

My license had been suspended because my insurance lapsed (they do that in NJ). Even though the letter clearly stated that I needed to get insurance and bring the proof to DMV for my license to be re-instated, I told myself that getting insurance was enough. My alcoholic logic said that the insurance company notified DMV that I didn't have insurance, they could notify them that now I did.

These are just examples of how alcoholics think, I know your situation is different. All I could say is when an alcoholic wants their booze there is nothing else more important.

AT THE END OF MY SURRENDERING I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. DID NOT WANT NOTHING ACCEPT, PEACE OF MIND. HAD A GOOD JOB, A WOMAN IN MY BED AT NIGHT, BUT STILL DRANK TO A BLACK OUT STATE. THAT WAS MY BOTTOM. THE 17 OF JULY WILL BE 17 YRS OF SO CALLED SOBER LIVING AND THE BEAT GOES ON!