What is Alcoholism
Alcoholism is a powerful craving for alcohol which often results in the compulsive consumption of alcohol, an addiction. The cause of this craving is heavily debated, but the most ...
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Some Days, I Just Can't Do This
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The past two and a half weeks have been a been a real eye opener for me. I realized how bad my problem with alcohol really is and how much it is affecting my life. I had been at rock bottom for a long time already. I was frustrated because of the number of times I had tried to quit and could not. I finally admitted that I could not do it on my own and needed the help and support of others. What a revelation for proud, independent me. As many of you know, I started going to AA. I got a sponsor. I admitted that I was powerless over my disease. I am back in therapy and taking meds for my depression and anxiety. I seem to be on the right path. I am even thinking of attending a new church this weekend in my effort to turn my life over to the higher power. This goes against my theory that I can handle my problems myself, but in truth, where has that gotten me so far? Nowhere. So I need to stop thinking so much, and just give it a chance.
So now I have sober days. I have sometimes three or four or five of them. And I feel good about it - scared - but good. And then I have days like yesterday, when around 3 p.m., thoughts of alcohol started plaguing me and WOULD NOT GO AWAY. I battled with myself for hours, telling myself DO NOT go to the liquor store after work. But my willpower was gone; I had lost control of myself. I even took a different route home so I wouldn't pass any liquor stores and then said, "F* it, there's a bar right there, that will do." I brought home my precious beer and started drinking and automatically felt relief. I could not stop drinking until it was all gone. I am not supposed to be drinking at all with the medication I am on. I was a royal mess. Now today I am feeling sick and disgusted with myself. How is it that I can do it on some days and not others? Will I ever be able to just stop falling, and live a sober life? There comes this point where I just cannot stand to be in my own head anymore, and will drink until I am absolutely numb. It's my release. There is this part of me that tells me I am hopeless, that I will never be able to do this; I will always be a drunk and I may as well make life easier by just accepting it. Done rambling now... Posted on 11/12/08, 11:11 am |
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I was very much like you...
I have not had a drink in over 2 years and life is awsome! If you believe that you are powerless... You will remain powerless. Why not check out some alternative ideas? 
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Yes, you can do this....I am struggling just like you are but, I did have son sober time in....I also need to be more proactive in my recover too, but by all means do not give up...we can do this....I am starting to look at myself and give myself the advice that I would give someone else struggling....its easie said than done but as long as we keep trying I think it will work....everyone messes up, just do not give up....I always hold onto what old timers say....it gets easier after you have that first year in...for now though, one day at a time....
I am wishing you well, next time maybe call your sponsor on your way home from work....think about how much pain drinking has done to you....and how much better life can be without it.... Keep trying you/we will get this and not have to worry so much one day :)
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I know what you are saying and it's very confusing. What blows my mind is that when I have been sober for a long time, I think... Wow.. How was this so hard to kick when I first got hooked? Look at me now! I'm not wanting it. I'm not obsessing over it. I'm good and happier than ever! Then, out of the blue, I take a drink. WHY does this happen when I know it's wrong for me? At the moment though, I'm not rational. It's almost like I am someone else, like I'm outside of my body. When I get back to sensibility, I don't know why I did it other than (I can't stand the pain right now). But heck, we all have pain. We all suffer and get through it many many times without the booze. I'm convinced there is a much deeper reason for this in our minds. Something profound that no one has discovered.
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working the steps of aa and not just attending meetings is really helpful to me. I know exactly how you feel. It is a struggle. The more you work the steps and cultivate your relationship with your higher power, the easier things get.
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it works if you work it. did you call your sponsor? did you pull over and pray? did you get out your big book? did you call someone else in the program? did you look up times of other meeting near by that you could go to later that day/night?
these are just some things that help early on when the "committee" is having a meeting in your head. eventually the desire to drink will be lifted entirely if you work the steps of AA and do as suggested. good luck! michael, from www.TalkAboutSobriety.com
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People who triumph in the end are not without their share of failures, sometimes horrendous and agonizing. What seperated the ones who make it are those who get back up no matter what and try again and again and again....until it works.
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Avoid advise from unstable people who are unable to demonstrate an ability to stay sober for any significant period of time.
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Hi Sweets,
Your willpower is the 'want to inside of you that gets you moving towards a goal'. It's hard, relapse occurs, but you know the old saying 'if at first you don't succeed'..... well I add CHANGE IT. Look at why you failed that time. Did you call anyone? Go home and logon to DS first and talk to us. Keep the serenity prayer in your car. There are things you can do to help yourself. It's hard work, but if you do the leg work, GOD will help the rest. Not in the religious sense, just the spiritual. My GOD on sometimes is a double decker bus to help me get through the day. Keep talking.. CM xxx
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Fuck you all..Don't want to cryry nanymore,,,,
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You gave your own best answer in your post...you can not do this alone. Many good suggestions like call someone...it is a craving and if you can talk to someone long enough ...this too shall pass. remeber you do not have enough power and control...it is through admitting that one is powerless over alcohol that you find your strength. Over thinking why you did it is like mental masturbation. Forgive yourself, pick yourself up, call someone, keep posting here, go back to a meeting and allow them to love you enough till you can love yourself enough to quit slowly committing suicide....one drink at a time. We can do this together. All of us.
{{HUGS}} Ann
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