What is Alcoholism
Alcoholism is a powerful craving for alcohol which often results in the compulsive consumption of alcohol, an addiction. The cause of this craving is heavily debated, but the most ...
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I almost died and I'm confused....
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Yeah I haven't been on her in a while....
I relapsed about three weeks ago....I had a year and four months clean and sober. I went on vacation with my best friend. ( who was also trying to stay clean)... We were only in the car an hour before I told him to give me vicoden. Then came the snorting oxycodone, then came xanax, aderol, meth, barbituates, more vicoden, a bottle of vodka, sleeping with someone in the park for more drugs, puking, nodding out in my food infront of his mom, not being able to move without getting sick....I had to go to the hospital and almost died that night......the withdrawl sucked....hallucinations of rats and rabid dogs....the depression was almost unbearable....I wanted to kill myself, but my friends kept me in a safe place and took my car and phone away until I got through it....It had only taken two days for me to get in that condition......and it all started with just wanting to take one vicoden to calm my nerves....I knew I was screwed when I asked for another one....I thought I had hit my bottom already...I thought I was done... Now I've been clean and sober for about 3 weeks...It's been very difficult! My best friend is now living back in cali....I honestly don't know if he's clean or not...but I miss him so much it kills me.... I just broke up with my girlfriend.....So I feel very very alone.....I am greatful to be alive, but I just don't understand why I can't keep people close to me in my life....it always gets fucked up....eithere they die, relapse and start using again, sleep with my s.o. and betray our friendship, or in my ex's case...become way to needy and clingy for me to handle..... Nothing ever feels balanced..... I would move to cali...but I love my job,my co workers, and my support but I'm afraid of relapsing again...I feel stuck... I have decided it would be best for me to stay her to finish my degree..butI need some form of excitement in my life!...this town is so small, and I watch movies constantly....I laugh when people talk about "clean and sober fun."....ther'es nothing here...To add to that, I am gay and there's no gay people here... Maybe I should just accept being alone....and get used to it.....maybe some people's lives just are meant to be lonely and riddled with chaos...... Can anyone relate at all? Posted on 10/08/08, 03:10 am |
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I can relate in some ways. You can only watch so many movies. Do you do anything else or have interest in doing other things like biking, rollerblading or something else physical?
Have you looked into changing schools to somewhere more populated? 
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You and your best friend sound as if you might be a dangerous pair without some supervision. I think that two recovering addicts (young in their recovery) might always fall to temptation unless you are part of a recovery group together. For that reason alone, Calif might not be such a good idea.
Buckle down and finish your degree. Then you'll have time for other things. That may sound boring, but going to school is all about "routine' anyway. That's my two cents!
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i can relate....but remember you are never alone, reach out, OK?
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I hope you feel better soon. I am glad you are here. You have proven to yourself you can do it! Just hunker down, stay away from your friend for some time, and be by yourself for awhile if you have do. i used to take long walks. oregon is beautiful. go hiking!! do you have a dog? spend quality time with your pet if you have one. i know my advice seems mediocre, but i hope it gives you some food for thought. am here for you!
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yes, I can relate to the idea of wanting to experience life full throttle. That is a great trait to have, but we addicts go about it absolutely wrong. We get wasted and end up in the predictable pattern-very boring really, of getting wasted, comprimising ourself (usually sexually) getting close to hurting ourself, regretting it, doing it again...... Of course we like others who are "wild" and they are doing it the wrong way to... What the hell do we look for in this lifestyle, excitement? Yes, but in the end it is so damn boring. Since I have been sober my life is so unpredictable-I never know what the day will bring. When I was using, I could write out my week for you before hand-same old crap. Get with people who really LIVE marti, like people who make a difference in this world. Hell, learn new things at school, try self improvement and not looking outside yourself for the answers. The fun is all in you, life can be awesome if we just let it, and give up the false promise that booze gives of life being a free for all when wasted. Total BS.
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i meant that addiction is bs not you marti....sorry, I just wanted to clarify :)
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Sounds alot like you may have codependancy, wich there is a room for that on here.
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i can relate.i know sometimes when we get sober we just want this instant great social life.even though 14 mos is long its still not as long as it seems adjusting to a new clean life.we do have to get comfortable agian with ourselves sober and begin learning how to love ourselves but no we shouldnt just be alone we need support and thats why meetings are a great way to get use to social settings sober.if not we fall back when we socialize without that experience under our belt first.have you discovered any new hobbies or activities you would like to try? in doing that its structured and you may meet other people to share that experience with.i dont think you and your best friend are a good idea to hang around each other seeing your pasts.it takes time 4 both of you to become stronger first.i would stay in school and get your degree that is worth doing and its something good 4 ur future.take ur time.one day at a time it gets better.if in doubt just do the next right thing and youll get there.goodluck.
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