Alcoholism is a powerful craving for alcohol which often results in the compulsive consumption of alcohol, an addiction. The cause of this craving is heavily debated, but the most ...
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How do I support my friend?
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One year ago, I got to know my upstairs neighbor (after he moved out) and we've become very close. I care very deeply about him. I can not believe how blind I've been though...he has a problem with alchohol. I know this for certain, because he was in between homes for two weeks and stayed with me for a week. While he was here, he decided to detox. He never warned me what he was going to do...I did my best remain calm and keep him hydrated with gatorade, water and juice. He told me after that he trusted me to do this with me. However he's been gone for two weeks, in his new place, and we've barely spoken. For the past year, we've talked daily. In the past two weeks, we've spoken 5 times. I really wanted to talk to him to see if he would be open to the two of us going to an AA meeting. I feel like he's uncomfortable now...embarrassed. I want to support him and I understand that he needs to choose to go AA. What can I do to support him?
Posted on 10/06/08, 11:10 pm |
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Try this, quit enabling him.
live your life and take care of yourself. you cant help someone that doesnt want it 
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One more thing, most addicts will use those at their convience, and once they dont need "you" so to speak, they will move on to the next.
dont be fooled. get some help for yourself, figure "your" shit out, before you try to help a addict.......trust me
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I'm enabling him? How? I understand completely about your comment re living my life, etc. I know you are right...
I'm just not clear on how I'm enabling him...
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slingo, he lived with you, fuck that. put him on the streets if he continues to drink.
there is a fine line between "helping" and enabling, and it is tough to distinguish, i know
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Wow... you are probably right about using me too. I've never encountered this before so that's why I'm asking advice. Thanks for being candid.
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slingo, im still new to this, trust me and dont take my advice for actions.
act on purpose and goals, not feelings, that will get you further in life, trust me. feelings, are...well, just feelings. if you have goals, focus and purpose for your actions it will get you further. i have yet to practice what i preach, but i am working on it. let me guess, you are overweight, he paid some attention to you, you felt like you could help him, you tried, didnt get what you wanted and now he is gone. been there, done that. take care of "yourself" period
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Hi again,
While I'm not at my goal weight, I lost 187lbs prior to meeting him. We got closer and closer over the past year. Each time we got close, he pulled back for awhile. I just tried to roll with it... Deep down, I already knew everything (except the enabling thing) that you were saying; you just confirmed it for me. It's hard to walk away from him but I know I have to. Thanks
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One other thing...you are right about thinking I could help him. I thought I was trying to help him get past two bad relationships...I was totally oblivious to the alcohol issue. I just thought he enjoyed one drink when he came over. It never occurred to me until I saw him in the throes of the DT's. Now, looking back, I can't believe I was so blind.
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It has nothing to do with blindness but everything to do with codependency - perhaps go to a few al-anon meetings - you didn't cause his drinking problem, you can't control it and you sure cannot cure it.
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For what it's worth, he may also be embarassed. If he detoxed with you around, that's like "opening up" during a very vulnerable time in life. When his head cleared, he might have freaked out.
All this is just conjecture on my part though. I don't think any of us can know what went down if he will not talk to you.
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