Adolescence is the period of psychological and social transition between childhood and adulthood (gender-specific, manhood, or womanhood). Someone in Adolescence is called a Teenag...
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How can I get thru this?
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About 2 1/2 years ago, my 16 year old daughter got caught sneaking out her window at night. She had been staying out all night with a 19 year old good-for-nothin', high school dropout, unemployed bum that lived down the street. They had been secretly seeing each other for about 4 months, but as it turned out, I was about the only one that didn't know about it. When that house of cards came crashing down, the biggest thing that hit me was all the lies that she had been feeding me for months. We had come thru a difficult period between her 12th and 14th years and I believed that we were getting closer. I was a fool.
I should have forbid them from seeing each other, after all, he was an adult, she was a minor. But, at the urging of her father and step-father, I continued to allow them to have limited access to each other... insisted that he come to our house instead of them going out. Well, guess what? They continued to sneak around. Duh! The confrontation and fighting between us escalated with the assistance of my ex until finally, I told her to move in with her father. Had I known the implications of that one phrase, I would have never said it. Because according to family court, in that one phrase I gave up my parental rights... FOREVER!!! It didn't matter that my home was stable at the time and her father's was not. It didn't matter that I would be home every evening and weekend to supervise her and her father who worked 2nd shift would not. It didn't matter that I was married and that her father was living with his 6th girlfriend since our divorce. It didn't matter that I had my daughter in private school and church and that she would have neither of those things with her father. It didn't matter that I'd taken care of her for her entire life up to that point and that her father had no clue. It didn't matter that I only intended to get her away from the bum for a little while and that I asked her to come back a few weeks later... I said those words. I went to court to try to get her back, but "too bad, so sad"... I shouldn't have told her to go. She told the judge that she wanted to live with her dad, and she got what she asked for. My heart was broken. Now, it's two years later. My daughter and I still haven't talked much. I tracked her activity on the internet for the first year and she spread a lot of horrible lies about me to everyone that would listen. She continues to manipulate the situation between her father and me. She refuses to have any kind of relationship with me that resembles a mother-daughter relationship. But I'm not her friend, and I never can be her friend. I'm her mother and only her mother. She, her father, and the court have stripped every shread of authority from me as her parent. I'm nothing but a doormat for her now. There is no genuiness in our relationship at all. She's graduating high school next month. As her "gift", her father is flying me up for the commencement. It will be the first time we've seen each other since court. I don't know how in the world I'm going to get thru this. They both have sufficiently "put me in my place". I get the feeling I'm being set up for appearance sake... so my ex can say, "look what I tried to do for my daughter", and my daughter can say, "look, I'm trying to reconcile with my mom". How can I not show up? How can I show up and put on a happy face? How can I pretend, should I pretend? How can you forgive two people that ripped your status of mother away from you? Posted on 05/14/07, 11:05 am |
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I would forgive them. I can't tell you how. How did Jesus forgive us for nailing him to the cross? I know we aren't God. We are supose to try to be like Him. Ask Him to help you forgive them. It will do you a world of good. Your daughter will pay enough in this life for the live style she chose with your x. He sounds like he is paying for his choices already. Six unsuccessfull relaitionships must leave you empty. When the day is done and the consequences are dealt she will remember Mom tryed to save her from her folly. It will be a few more years before she comes to admit that to you. You did the right thing and paid a big price. forgive them , let it go. Tell her you love her. She is on her own now and may need some of your wisdom. She has surly realized the bad advice she got from others. 
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OK - this one is going to be harsh.. I would give ANYTHING under ANY circumstances to have watched my son graduate 2 years ago... BUT he died three weeks before graduation at the age of 18. I had done tough love and he did not live with me the last year of his life. I am OK with all of that (most days)... what I want to say is don't just "put on a happy face" - feel it. Be proud... she IS graduating. So what for all of the other crap. YOU are her mother and NOTHING can ever change that. Just remember her as a baby and how you raised her. See the woman she is yet to become. Smile, smile, smile... I wish I had the chance with my son again to watch him graduate. It is the new beginning to their lives. All the rest will "iron" itself out. Just stay steady, strong and loving. She will understand things later in life. Be consistent and not moody. The consistency will win everytime! Good luck.
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I can't even imagine how you feel...my heart would also be broken...as the eternal optomist that I am...try only to see the positive side of this...one, she is graduating high school!...not a drop out...that is one milestone you certainly helped her to accomplish and two, they have invited you to be there...why not go and put your best face on? 15 thru 19 is a tough age, kids lack feelings I think...not all, but alot...and friends and such are just completely more importantthan their relationship with their mom...I regret pain that I caused my mom and wish we could have been closer in high school...but then it was taboo...I was also too busy lying and sneaking around too...today I am raising my own family and my parents and I are very close...we kind of just got thu it when I came around...try and see a better future for both of you...I know this will seem impossible, but having one good day is the first step maybe...good luck and be positive on her special day!! My thoughts are with you.
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I know it hurts, but the past is over and you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All you can do is concentrate on the present.
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You did send her away...your rash decision, changed everything...time now to forgive, forget, be the adult, not the hurt child, the more you are the sad angry hurting 'ex mom' the more you alienate your girl. great advise above, go smile, hug your girl, say sorry, and beam with pride for her...once she believes you still love her, no matter what, she will open up to you again, but until she feels it from you, she will continue to think her father is a better bet...whether he is, or not. You staying hurt only plays into his hands..let it go..take responsibility for your part in it...and move on...Best of luck, and remember she needs you...no matter what it looks like..
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I guess I'm just not that big of a person. I'll be doing well just to be there and bite my tongue. I guess they're all correct, including the judge... I'm just a bad mother. 16 years of self-sacraficing and revolving my world around her was erased because I uttered one sentence. One spoken in desperation because I was manipulated into a corner. It didn't matter that I appologized and humbled myself to my ex and to my daughter. It didn't matter that I took my ex to court to fight to get her back. I spent almost a year and money that I didn't have trying to make up for, take back, erase that one sentence that I spoke. Then spent the next year getting my face rubbed in my defeat, by both of them. I appologized to her and begged her to come back and she publically slandered me all over the internet. Ignoring my broken heart and genuinely feeling proud and happy are not possible for me. I struggle to even have phone conversations with her because of what happened. On a good day I can keep all my feelings bottled up and be polite and listen while she rattles on with her selfish ramblings. No, I'm not her mother in her eyes anymore, I'm nothing. Just an obsticle that got in the way of what she wanted at the moment until she figured out how to have me crushed. No, this wound is much too deep. I'm not capable of just letting it go. I'm beginning to think it was a mistake for me to accept the invitation.
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my 16 year old has just left and moved in with a boy of 23/24 years of age and as we arein the uk nothing i can do although plenty that i would like to. She is a 7 hour drive away so hard to keep an eye on her that she is ok. You regretted those words those years ago dont regreat not going to the graduation, put a brave face on and take the trip you never know it may be just what you all need to get over the hurt from before.
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Congratulations is in order - your daughter is graduating from high school!
Focus on the positive. Keep a vision of the relationship you would like to have and move towards that vision. All the best to you and yours.
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You are not a bad mother, if you were you would have written her off a long time ago. You are a caring mother that is why you are in such turmoil. We can't tell you what to do only give our opinions, it's ultimately your decision. I once read some where " you can't move forward if you are constantly looking back" forget the past and move on. Good luck you are in my prayers. I will pray for strength and peace to live with your decision.
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Are you sure you are making the right decision? She did some horrible things according to you, and has not yet come around to realizing how much she hurt you...she still very young though and maybe she is very immature for her age even worse...give her time...but give her a good example...although they have both hurt you...it is his given right as a parent to have custody of her also isn't it? He is her father, if not anything else...and although you feel if your status of a mother has been ripped away...really you'll always be her mother...she is who you have raised...deal with it...and try to make her a better person by your example...she's only got one mother...hope i have not hurt your feelings...good luck
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