Adolescence is the period of psychological and social transition between childhood and adulthood (gender-specific, manhood, or womanhood). Someone in Adolescence is called a Teenag...
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Don't want to ruin relationship with 13 yr daughte
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My marriage is troubled. It has been for a while. I've been in the position of being the primary bread winner for a long time. I co-run a high stress, small business, my husband is a good man, who I love, but has always been under-employed and is currently unemployed. He has an on & off drinking problem which has caused me great stress. He is very unhappy over the (work) situation though never seems to change it or get outside help for himself. I am at a point in my life where I desperately want to slow down and change careers. I can't do this unless he changes. I am hardly perfect either. I can be too sensitive, too controlling (in a caretaker kind of way) and too clingy when highly stressed.
I love my daughter, a wonderful only child, more than anyone. We've had a very good relationship since the day she came in to this world. I've really stuck it out through a lot of the problems because of her. I know they say you're not supposed to do that, but ask any caring parent where they think the line is between what's more damaging to a kid: divorce or tension with effort to stay together & you'll get many opinions. It's really, really hard. Before my daughter hit adolesence I could always count on her to be my life raft with her smiles, love & sunny out look. Then, I never, ever shared my problems regarding her Dad with her. Just being with her or doing something for her could save me. That has continued off & on since she started to mature, but she's naturally grown more independent and has an ever broadening social life - which she needs and is entitled to. As she's gotten older, she's asked for honestly about what's bugging me when she's sensed I'm upset, so sometimes I'll let her know if her dad's upset me, often I'll blame it on work. She has over heard our arguments for a while - I can't say at what point she became aware, but she's very aware now and has protested. The situation concerns me deeply & I take her complaints very seriously. My husband thinks it's okay for her to over hear stuff because he feels it teaches that people will argue & settle their differences. However, the problems continue and so do the arguments. I came from a BG of never hearing my parents argue, with them splitting when I was 12. They were very mature divorced parents and never "dissed" ea. other in front of my brother & I. My husband came from parents who argued a lot (often over his problems in school & money). - but stayed together. I feel a bit of "reality" is good, but the # of times our daughter has been exposed is too much. I'm not convinced that some of my husbands problems are not due to hearing mom & dad argue over his bad grades, etc. He doesn't think so. Who knows. I had a really bad day today. Terrible argument with husband. (Our daughter was not at home.) We're teetering on splitting I think. I have strongly considered it off & on for a while, but still would so much prefer to work things out. (Yes we've done couples therapy - but not for a year. I've tried therapy for me off & on for years, every anti-depressant class there is (none help), Al-Anon & therapy for spouse's of alcohol abusers.) Nothing has created a sweeping, long term change in me or him. Now to get to my problem with my daughter. I'm terrified of driving her away. When I'm highly stressed & upset (usually due to something with her Dad) I still crave her injection of "sunshine". I feel that I've been overly insecure in front of her. I'll drive her a bit crazy over-talking a problem or apologizing too much for being cranky, etc. so she gets to the point, (not as extreme), where my husband gets, where she wants to stop talking or wants to be alone. I know it's not appropriate for me to expect her to be my "friend". I'm supposed to be the grown-up. I just feel so alone these days. I don't know where my life or marriage is going. It frightens me that she'll be off to college in 4.5 years. I think there is something of a division of sympathy in our family with her leaning more towards trusting me, feeling safer. I feel my husband often takes his anger (not physically at all) out on her. Is too hard on her, esp. when he's upset about other stuff or feels he sees things in her he doesn't like about himself. She complains to me about him when she feels unfairly pushed or critisized. I often tell her to speak to her dad about stuff directly, which she sometimes does. Sometimes with good results, sometimes not. She does love her dad very much though & they share many interests & good times. He's a very loving dad, despite his temper. I often feel in the middle, but more often feel sympathy towards her side. I let her know when I do & have "stuck up" for her on 2 occasions recently - both of which became very upsetting family disputes with my husband feeling like the outsider. I began doing this because she complained that I always "sided" with her Dad in 3 way disputes, after having expressed sympathy for her situation before or after between ourselves. I did this because my husband & I agreed to be a united parental front with her. Problem is, often times he'll "lay down the law" with her without out consulting me first & expect my support. It's very hard. I want to be fair to both of them & go with my gut. I worry about this division and that I sometimes sub-consciously contribute to it because I want her to prefer me, should we ever split some day. It would kill me to not have her live with me, what ever the situation. So there are all my demons on the table. I want my kid to be my friend sometimes and I want her to prefer my company. I'm a really good, loving mom. I still get told this from my daughter regularly. She gets told what a great kid she is from me, in earnest, regularly too. I don't in any way want to cause any long term or later damage to our relationship. How do I stop being so insecure? How do I give her the privacy & freedom to grow up and remain sane? Does mom just need to get more of a life? Please share your thoughts. Be gentle. This is my first ever chat visit. Posted on 01/09/08, 10:01 pm |
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Wow. Your situation sounds a bit like mine except my issues were with my two kids from my first marriage and my second husband (their stepdad). I was constantly in the middle of any arguments between the three of them until I couldn't take it anymore. My stbx hated my two older kids and showed them no respect and they showed him none in return. I've got to say that kids are very perceptive and observant no matter how old they are and your daughter is going to make up her own mind about what she thinks of each of you. Kids don't need to hear most of the arguing although it does help them understand how to work out differences in healthy relationships. One of the things I learned from my situation was that my kids didn't look at me as a strong person who would stand her ground until I finally filed for my divorce. Sadly, it was a very happy day for my two oldest kids. Even my first ex was thrilled because he said I didn't need to be treated the way I was anymore. Strange words coming from an ex! I wish you the best of luck and there are no easy answers or simple solutions. I do know it's easier to try to be a friend to your daughter than a parent but it doesn't help if your daughter is getting mixed messages. Sometimes being a friend can lead to more trouble. 
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Thanks so much for your input.
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I too have a daughter who I could count on for an injection of sunshine -great phrase, by the way- I just wanted to share that my "sparkly girl" is 15 now, and dealing with some probs of her own such as depression, etc. High school is really hard - lots of pressure there. I think its super important to not look at her as support for you, even tho she has been in the past. You need to keep the lines of communication open FOR HER to be able to share the struggles she faces. Otherwise you risk being so wrapped up in your stuff, and talking with her about your stuff, that she doesnt have support for her stuff. Your stuff needs to go to girl friends. Some of her stuff will go to her girl friends too. But you want some of it to come your way as well, and if there's too much other happening with/to you, she wont see you as available. I dont know that this helps you much, but its an important perspective to keep as you navigate your life. Good luck to you; try to keep you head above the swells.
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Hi there,
Welcome and glad you dropped in to ask for opinions. It really does help to get other perspectives on some of these issues. First, I will tell you that your daughter has known a LOT more for a LOT longer than you can imagine or realize. I grew up in a household with an alcoholic father back when people didn't talk of such things much less tell the kids. It was NO secret. You can't hide things like this in your own household. Kids are much more aware and insightful than most people give them credit for. Also, by setting up an environment where you try to make it seem like everything is okay you set up a cognitive dissonance for your daughter. She sees and hears one thing, but you say that she is seeing and hearing something else. This just isn't healthy. You don't have to go into gory details of your marital issues with your daughter but you do need to be honest with her. I assure you she will appreciate that much more than you trying, unsuccessfully, to protect or shield her from it. Your daughter is growing up and she will continue to broaden her social circle and will slowly move out of your orbit into her own. This is how kids mature and become adults. You cannot inject yourself into her life if she is trying to separate from you. This is not to say she is rejecting you completely or anything of the sort. It is just time for her to move on and become more independent. The more you try to hang onto her or cling to a relationship that is changing the more she will eventually resent you. Cherish the times you do have together. Take her out to dinner or somewhere occasionally. I take my 14 year old out for coffee from time to time, just get away from the house, her friends, my duties, etc. and just have time together. No pressure to talk or anything. Just hang out together and it is always a good thing. She starts to talk and I just have to listen. Teenagers, especially girls, cannot stand silence. They will talk! LOL! As for your relationship and how you feel about that, I would say that you need to get into counseling at the very least. If you can get your husband to join you, so much the better. But do it for yourself. You really need to clarify what your needs, goals, dreams are at this time and having an impartial person help you through this is a fantastic thing. You will be amazed at what you unearth and how that impacts your actions. But take time and do it slowly and don't make any rash or hasty moves. as long as you are not dealing with abuse and no one is in danger, you have some breathing room. As to being insecure, well, that's a long road to finding security in oneself can be a lifelong journey. Again, a counselor can help you start that journey and hep you find the path you need to take to get there. As for your daughter's privacy and freedom, you simply have to learn to let go. Nothing in our lives is permanent. Everything changes; even moment to moment. You cannot hold onto something that is passing without hurting yourself and others. Like sand, it will simply slip through your hand. What you have to do is build a new relationship that can encompass the changes your daughter is going through. How you accomplish this will be between you and her. Expect negotiation and expect it to be rough at times. You will also be changing int he process just as she is. Honesty, love, friendship, good parenting, ...all these things will help. Another thing with teens that I have found useful is to use your ears and mouth in the right proportions. You have two ears and one mouth. Use your ears twice as much as your mouth. You'll be amazed at how much they will tell you if you're patient and willing to listen. Do you need to just "get a life"? Well, that's a harsh way of putting it. The simple answer is yes, but not in the way that might be taken. First, like I said above, you have to figure out the shape that life is to take. Where DO you want to be in 3 years, 5 years, 10? Your daughter will become a less integral part of you life over those years and you should start planning ahead in terms of how you will handle that and also what you really want to do with your life. None of this is an overnight fix. It takes time, energy, guts and work. But in the end, it will be worth it. Your happiness and future is in your hands and the decisions you make now will impact that future or years to come. Move slowly, think deeply, be kind to yourself and others and don't be afraid to pursue your dreams! Hugs, Jen
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Wow either you're good with wording or you are a model mom and wife . I think you should go ahead and pursue your dreams with or without your husbands graces... regarding your daughter well I think I get the idea of your longing to pursue a lifelong freindship with her and there is nothing wrong with that .You went through great lengths to explain it layed your demons out on the table so to speak ,and I don't completely agree with it all but I think between you and her you will find the right ways to approach it but right now you give her the impression that mom needs me which is fine as long as she doesn't feel that coddling you is what you mean .You've been strong for your husband he's a lucky man but I think your conclusions are understandable in regards to him ie meaning your future . You have a very get what you give outlook on life except you appear to be saying you are afraid of losing almost constantly . What I hear is people came in and out of your life once too many times I could be wrong but thats what I hear . You would do anything to keep your family in order and it looks like you've done a exceptional job but is it at a cost to yourself or thats deep down what you think you always wanted so the cost never seemed to appear until now (it caught up to you). I'm going to say that you are going to continue to make sacrifices because thats your nature but you need to work on that/those fears you have. I just want to repeat , Keep your freindship with your daughter and if you want to hold the family together as well as you can then do so . I hope I was being gentle and really I meant what I said and I'm being supportive because I agree with what you've done but not necessarily how you've done it. I can only ask you if any of this feels like a sacrifice and what parts of it? I'm thinking your daughter is probably a fully trained counsellor already in life lol she'll porbably always be your freind but one who may also do it because she feels sorry for you , you are her mom so you would be the last person to be abandoned by a child not that it doesn't happen but yeah I can safely say moms usually come in last place when abandonment comes into the equation . Don't live too far into the future you will see things in the next 4.5 years regarding your relationship that you are not sure about today .Kids need to celebrate life that is the task at hand I really don't know to many single child families where the child is not always close . Ask yourself if you are humming and hawing about your marriage or you want him gone you seem very balanced on a line of sometimes you do sometimes you don't .Could you be leaning on your daughter more than you usually would due to your marriage?
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I know what you are going through! I have a 2 daughters aged 14 and 16 and an alcoholic husband. I also struggle with whether or not to stay in the marriage. I recently started taking more control during arguments when my husband is directing anger at my daughters. That was the turning point for my relationship with them. Before, I had also tried to maintain the unified parental front. That is when I really felt my daughters turning away from me too. Since their father is not always arguing from a rational view, I think they need to see strength in me. It is a very difficult situation, and I don't have answers for you or myself, but I think your daughter will appreciate when you take her side. Good luck and hang in there.
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