Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

My sister had a similar problem with her oldest. After trying different punishments with no success, she took her to the police dept. and explained to an officer why they were there. The officer took them around and showed what happens to people when they do things they shouldnt do (stealing,speeding etc.) and my niece never took anything again. She said she didn't want to go to jail. The officer and my sister handled it really good and didn't try to scare my niece they were just very honest about what can happen if she kept takeing things. Hope this helps!! Good luck!

That sounds like a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. I'm going to look into arranging a little tour of my local police dept. for sticky fingers. Thank you.

Pardon me as I speculate, and please understand that I am not making assumptions about you or your family dynamic, just working off a limited bit of information... its not a personal judgement, just apply what might be accurate and discard the rest.

The first thing in my gut as I read what you wrote is to consider whether he is stealing as a means of getting attention. Remember how irrational children can be when it comes to attention seeking behaviors, they don't seem to care much whether it is positive or negative attention... I don't know if he is primarily doing this at school, if so, maybe he is bored or feeling overlooked, especially if his academic needs don't warrant needing the attention which other kids might get...? Or maybe its your attention that he is seeking? I don't know, but it just strikes me as a call for attention first and foremost.

It also peaked my curiousity that your 12 year old asked the 7 year old if he in fact took it from him, and the 7 yr old then admitted to having done this, which wasn't true. It makes me question whether your older child had any real grounds for making such a suggestion, or if the older one is working the scene to his benefit, knowing that the younger child is easily suggestible, as so many are at this age. Also, did the issue of this twist get addressed with both children? At 7, it can be hard to know just how much they are really aware of the difference between the truth and a lie, and even if he intellectually knows the difference, was he truly engaged enough with the line of questioning to have considered your question and thought about what the truthful answer was, or was he just led by his older brothers suggestion that he in fact stole it from him. It doesn't make much sense, considering he was already busted for stealing it, for him to then lie about who he stole it from... that wouldn't benefit him in any way... and so it makes me question just how engaged he was with what he was being asked. I don't think that stealing is the only matter which needed addressing, but also the matter of truthfulness, which is really at the heart of stealing anyway, and in my book, a deeper issue. Here's why. I see stealing as a form of lying... its lying about who something belongs to... and for some people, they even lie to themselves, and that gets the ball rolling out of control. (I don't think your son is at that level by what you have shared, though). Its a matter of developing the character, which is a daunting challenge for us all... but a child who develops the character to not lie, will also, I believe, by default not steal, as they are subtleties of the same character issue.

When it comes to discipline and punishment options, what works for one child may not work for another, and you have to discern what motivates your child. People typically fall into two categories. One group is motivated by the avoidance of a negative stimulus, the other group is motivated by the presence of a positive stimulus.

With my daughter, you could take away every priveledge, and put her in her room, and she would be content. She has such an active imagination that taking away her toys just leads her to find more creative ways to play out what is in her imagination. You could send her to her room for a month and she would be fine. Don't get me wrong, she might not LOVE it, but it won't motivate her the way it would to make a goal which we are working toward... a positive outcome for positive behavior.

If your son is expressing that he is jealous of his friend having money, perhaps you might gleen from that that for him, money is a motivator. Now this isn't to say that you pay him to be good and do what he ought to do. But it might be a positive way to motivate him to do things which you want him to do, and also a way to punish him for not doing what he should.

in 1,2,3 magic, dr. phelan lays out a plan called 'docking' which is a motivational approach to getting children to do what you want. Essentially, the child has an age appropriate list of chores or expectations, and they are to do these things not because they are paid, but because they are responsible for them. At the end of the week, each week, the child has an allowance, say a dollar or two... nothing extravagant. Here is how I did it with my daughter...

I have a clear bank which I would put her weeks allowance in, and I would put in a dollars worth of nickels... If I caught her doing something above and beyond, I would surprise her with a nickel or two to add to her bank. However, if she is supposed to pick her laundry up, and I remind her one time and she doesn't do it, that reminder came with a price.... pick up your laundry... or I'll do it, but I charge 10 cents for picking up laundry... and she would not want to lose the money, so she would do it. Once the habit was instilled, it was no longer a part of the motivational exercise... if she didn't pick them up, I wouldn't squawk, I would just pick up her clothes, and have her give me the ten cents...

Its just one of many ideas in the book which I have seen work wonders in my home, you might want to check it out.

Also, the website has a place where you can subscribe to a monthly enews letter, and you can also access back issues, one of which had an article about lying, and there is probably something addressing stealing as well. Check it out.

The fact that he "takes his punishment and moves on to the next incident" tells me that his punishment, in his eyes, is more of a joke than a motivation or deterant. Check out 1,2,3 magic by dr. phelan... its really remarkable, and this comes from a former skeptic. I only tried it because I was at my wits end and nothing else had worked. I wish I had tried it first, I would have saved a lot of time and headaches.

Good luck.

Thanks aikijedi for the advise, I agree with you that my son sees his punishment as a joke and I appreciate the advise, especially the part about giving him a positive stimulus, instead of a negative. My son loves attention and demands it constantly, so that makes sense too.

I arranged a meeting with a deputy in our local area and today I took my son in for a tour of the station and a stern speech. Thank you momwith4 for the idea. Hopefully, my son has been scared straight!