Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

This is an opportunity for you to share your faith with your son. I cannot imagine how people who don't have faith would handle this type of thing with their children.

I'm more concerned about your husbands response, which although I can recognize that his loss of his mother is painful and deep, its a bit (I don't know how to be gentle here) ego-centric for him to think that a natural childhood curiousity is an attack on him personally. I hope that I don't offend you, and I don't mean to attack your husband at all... its just an observation and an indication that perhaps your husband needs some help coping and gaining realistic perspective. I know that when we are hurting it can be really difficult to separate out those hurtful feelings and deal with the situation at hand objectively, but your son needs for his curiousities to be addressed in his own right, and not have it made about his fathers immature reaction. Please know that I am honestly not trying to disrespectful of your husband, nor am I judging him or his character. He very well may be a wonderful man and father and I am not making assumptions otherwise. But we all have times and issues which cause us to be irrational and immature, and I'm simply making an observation.

Considering your husbands issue with the topic, and your sons newfound interest, it might be a good idea for you and your husband to seek some good pastoral counsel with regard to how to address this with your son. While it may be under the guise of finding ways to answer your sons questions, it may actually be a positive means of building up your husbands faith, which will in turn help him to heal some of the agony of his own loss.

Was your son allowed to go to the services for your husbands mother?

My son is almost 6 and he brought it up the most during the last year. His grandfather died when he was 2 1/2 and then we had a dog that died when he was 4. I think its a normal age to bring it up & it is hard to answer some of the questions. We mostly talk about going to Heaven. Sometimes he will just mention it out of the blue "will I see Roscoe (the dog) when I get to Heaven). It always worries me a little when he brings it up...wondering whats on his mind but he could just be thinking about some memories then remembers they are gone and thinks about death. Do help your DH with this - I am sure your child means nothing by it but may have some memory or see a picture or hear you all speak of his grandmother. Dh should be delighted that he knows of her and talks of her.

aikijedi: thanks for your observations. I had been thinking along the same lines but didn't realize it until I read your reply. I have been telling my husband our son is just being curious for his age but I think I'll talk to him some more about his reaction as suggested. I like the idea of talking to my parish priest for ideas on handling this as well.

BTW, as for my son attending my mother-in-law's service, there was no chance. It was my mother-in-law's wish not to have any services or anything when she died. She just wanted to be cremated. Her thinking was 'give me my flowers while I'm still living.' As a matter of fact, when she passed away, my mom and I went to the crematorium where my father-in-law had her taken to and my husband actually looked angry at me for being there. He later explained that he thought only he and his dad and brother were going to be there. However, my sister-in-law had gone as well. It's a shame but I think his parent's, in their efforts to prepare him for their demise, may have hampered him instead -- they were in their 40s when they had him and were always trying to prepare him for their death.

tjmv12: thanks for responding. I feel better knowing my son's not the only one asking about death at this age. I am also trying to keep it simple and only answer the questions he comes up with. It is difficult trying to explain things truthfully and simply sometimes. Some of his questions are pretty funny, like last night, he asked when he dies and goes to heaven, does he go with his body. I told him his spirit would move on but his body would remain behind. Then he started asking where his grandmother's body was and I was trying to figure out how to explain cremation and was halfway through explaining that when I realized that her ashes had been buried recently and just reminded him that she was buried in a cemetary. Afterwards, he asked if he went to heaven w/o his body, how was he going to be able to go on the rides (background: we've told him heaven would be the most wonderful place he'd ever been to and since he loves amusement parks, he's thinking heaven will be full of rides). I told him that in heaven he wouldn't realize he didn't have his body because it would feel like he's in his body so he'd be able to ride on the rides in heaven w/o a problem. Whew! It's getting tougher and tougher. He's also asked where bad people go and I told him they go to hell. He then asked where hell was and what it was like. I told him I didn't know where it was but that it was the most horrible place ever and it was the opposite of heaven. Then this morning, on the way to school, he looked at a construction site and asked me if that was hell. Sometimes, even when he stumps me, I have to smile inside.

Just be careful about how you broche the subject with your husband. I wish I could give a concrete example of what NOT to do, but suffice it to say, be careful that it doesn't come across as "this is what YOUR problem is" or "something is wrong with how you are coping/failing to cope"

I know your intention and your heart is to help your husband, but mens egoes being already so fragile, and given the sensitive nature of the issue... any sense of failure or shortcoming on his part, any feeling of accusation... may just make him resistant to you, and cause him to cling all the more to his current, familiar state of being.

Maybe it would be good for you to just gently and indirectly talk to your husband about what his personal thoughts and feelings and fears are as it relates to death and his faith... not directly related to the issue with your son or his moms passing.... but just regarding his faith in general. I would encourage you to pray about it a LOT and be patient... don't rush the gate even though you may feel a sense of urgency to help him. Pray for God to touch your husbands heart where only God knows it needs touching, and ask God to heal these wounds, and to use you in the process as He sees fit. Trust that God knows how to handle this situation, and He will use you if you humble yourself to His process, rather than try to convince your husband in your own power and knowledge. Make sense?

If you would like to talk more, please feel free to contact me directly... I may or may not around on the boards, but I always check my personal messages. Take care and God bless.

I think children do get curious at this age. My son started asking questions about my parents when he was 5, unfortunately they died before I had him and he wanted to know why they never lived to meet him. I was totally honest and said that they were unwell and that although they are not here in person their spirits are watching him and helping him all the time. He asked where they were and I just simply said that at night they were sitting on the stars in the sky and during the day they were up in the clouds and that they love him dearly. Sorry also but I think that you DH is being a bit unfair to your son!! Your husband that the joy of his mother and your son never :( Sorry if that offends just a personal opinion. Take care and hugs

My son spent about 2 years starting around age 4 being nearly obsessed with death. I could not find any reason for it. No one we knew died, not even a pet. I had to really restrict the books I read to him and anything else he was exposed to. I remember one day he collapsed in tears because I had swatted a fly! He mourned the fly the rest of the day - and it was a fly he had complained about! when I mentioned that he said, I thought you were just going to put it outside. I call it his Buddhist period.
I tried every way of finding out why he was so sensitive, trying to desensitize him (I had to start with the worst of vermin begin killed and work in from there), nothing seemed to have much impact.
After tiptoeing around death for so long, finally one day he said, I don't feel that way any more. Now he only cries if it is something obviously sad or he is having a really bad day.
Maybe your son is bringing it up on purpose, but not in the way your husband thinks. He can tell it is an important thing to his dad, and wants to understand why. Maybe he can't avoid the topic, it is too important.
The main point I kept making is that death is natural, it is an important part of nature, that dead things nurture living things and help them live. This idea that death helps new life was important to my son. We got that across first through plant life and composting, which was more neutral to him.

Well my 5 year old has been talking about dying too lately, mostly because a few months ago he asked where Jesus lives and how come we cant visit and so it has been a really long ongoing discussion about people who die and crying about not wanting to die and quite honestly I really just wish it would end....

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the helpful suggestions about how to handle this.

Firstly, I am relieved to confirm this is something all kids ask at this age rather than it being a single occurrence. I've also gently fed that back to my husband.

I've also decided I'm going to be as natural as possible about it when he asks and keep my answers simple and limited.

I tell you, kids are amazing in what they think of and the questions they ask. It's not easy to keep the answers simple, especially when fielding them while driving around on errands.