Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

My youngest (14) same way... can't find the way to phaze her... there's been a few times (one in the very recent past) that I've gone as far as taking everyting from her room except the heavy furniture - no effect - or at least visible one... heck she's only had 2 real b-day parties since being in school - tends to pull something major just before. Dunno why and get her to talk either.

I continue to stand by the punishments and hope that one dau she'll see the 'errors' and learn consequence of action. Honestly, early teen years have seemed to be the hardest (was the same with my older daughter) - puberity seems to have knocked every functioning breain cell from their heads but stay strong in your beliefs. For as weary and angry as it makes us I do believe boundry testing is normal and I have to believe that somewhere in his brain this stuff is rolling around and one day it will click for him as it did for my older daughter. GL

Grounding does work if you do it right. what i mean is tie him to your waist. If you leave the house and he's not in school then he leaves with you. That WILL have an affect. He'll play it off like it's no big deal but trust me. It works. Also last weekends escapade? It sounds like you gave him an ultimatim which is ultimately a choice you gave him: "I told him not to bother coming home if he goes to his friends house" he chose option 2 just not to come home. Hard to punish him for that even though you were clearly being sarcastic because in reality the answer was no. But you can't be doing that then punishing him for it. Well I guess you can; he's your kid, but it's not right to do it. I think let last weekend go. Chalk it up to a learning experience. I think it falls under the same advice as Don't ask your kid a question if there's a chance you aren't going to like the answer. Harsh but true.
If taking tv, internet, video games and the like doesn't phase him at all it makes me question if he's being allowed these things with grandma or if you're really not taking them away 100% My son would do ok without those things too but once I took his radio and gave him a dictionary and paper and pencil the affect was clear.

I think that giving kids choices is a way to teach them that there are consequences, good or bad, for every choice that they make. Instead of saying, don't bother coming home if you go to your friend's house,( which implies a choice that you might not be able to enforce,) you might spell out a choice like: if you choose not to obey me, then the consequence will be . . . . Just be sure whatever the consequence is, it is something that you can follow through on. Likewise, when your son does something you wanted him to do, you can tie a positive consequence to that. As far as grounding goes, I do think it can work. I like the idea of taking them with you and not just letting them stay home by themselves. Good luck.

Love the advise you've been given already! Yeah Moms! I'd like to add an idea. Every time he does what he is told, give him a poker chip. After X amount of chips, he can go to his friends without punishment. Or get something back in his room. There has to be something to look forward to. Also you might want to talk to this friends parents. Are they home when your son goes over? If they are let them know to expect a phone call whenever he is allowed to visit. Otherwise they should send him home and call you. It takes a village. At this age I would be very leary about no adult supervision. The find ways to get away with enough right under our noses. Good Luck
J

I love your ideas, but what do you do when you have tried all of these things and more and the kid is 17... how much longer can this go on? we are at the point where she is bigger than I am and it has gotten physical. I just took her door off of her room as she is up all night on the phone, and "too tired" to get up in the mornings. fight after fight after fight... I can't take anymore of it.

My son is 15 and MUCH larger then I am. I still get him to do what needs to be done. It's simple. You set rules and consequences then you stick to them no matter how hard they are. He currently is grounded for turning into my ex (a liar) and is attached at my hip if he's not at school. It's a punishment for me too, but noone ever said being a mom would be easy or fun all the time. He's learning. He also got his permit, but isn't allowed to use it at all.

this worked for my son as punishment but i wont guarantee it.I made him choose a hobby.And I made him spend 90 days (at home) doing this hobby for 2 hours.After 30 days he was allowed 1 hour away from home and over the next 60 days I kept increasing the time he was allowed to be out and about.He got so into his hobby he chose to spend alot of time at home shooting his bow.He is now good enough to compete in local competitions.