Abstinence & Celibacy Support Group

Choam, thanks for this long and thoughtful message! And you're certainly right about the fact that the problem is often that we just attract the kind of people who are wrong for us. Deffinitely the case with me, though I really don't know why, despite my initial impressions that 'this man is different' he'll always turn up to be careless and unreliable. Surely, my ex-husband was chronically depressed due to past drug use, perhaps I was inclined to take care of him and support him. (I thought I was sensitive enough not to expose him as the weaker one, but his own low self-esteem kept him fanatically chasing 'something new' which broke our marriage). Looks like you too know something about it, but it works better for you, because you're working through such difficulties as a team and this strengthens your relationship.

I hope your and your husband's love and intimacy keeps growing , and despite obstacles and past 'baggage' you find fulfillment together. Not anyone's perfection but mutual compatibility is the key... Well, you certainly have a lot of wisdom and very valuable insights to not only make your life work but which you can share on this forum to help others. Hugs.

Its not about when you become Celibate,its why.It don,t matter if you have been married or not,we all learn as we grow and some make the choice to not have sex untill they find the right person,or there faith,or just want to be free from the sexuall part altogether for as long as they want.I have been married,have children,but now and celibate untill I feel its the right time for me,or should I say untill God thinks its the right time for me.I am not a young teenager,but I am still a Woman of God.

I to have had sex and at 19 i was "i love" then after i gave it up he started raping me for it when i wasnt in the mood. now i have to agree with you when you
said "Not everyone who was sexually active in their past,does so for purely lustful reasons. After what happened,I found myself using sex more to attract men to be with me-thinking my only value to anyone was sexual based on my disgusted feelings of losing my virginity and what my ex initially taught me"
I to have thought guys were after me for sex and could never love me for me, because i told a guy the other day i am not haveing sex anymore till i get remarried he said thats stupid and never called me back.
I too was always saying i would wait till marrage but that didnt happen. i dont regret anything i did because i cant change the past but i can change the future.

I joined this group thinking that there are people like me. I made the decision after 2 failed marriages. It was me all along, I have had to learn to deal with who I am . Finding myself respect and my happiness.

Choam, you have nothing to apologize for, and never did need to feel guilty about sex events that are very normal desires in most of us. I find it difficult, however, to discuss my election of abstinence in middle age due to my now long status of what is considered by younger and older people as only proper and required of married older men or women. If we have still needs and desires, but are married and no longer have a spouse who is able to have sex, we are considered sorry trash and dirt because we happen to still have thoughts of lust, and needs that can no longer be met. Suffice to say, many things cause a man to accept abstinence after marriage because of these extenuating circumstances that are designed by others to induce guilt, and hate for the older generation that still happens to want normal needs met. But to be forced to walk the line, and deny oneself of sex in such circumstances puts a real downer on the party who is sacrificing by means of abstinence due mainly to social mores. It really isn't fair, but just the way our world is. So we remain miserable to maintain vows made long ago, and in the quest to remain a man of valor, I have forced myself to deny sex for my own needs in favor of these sacred vows that are demanded by circumstances that have made my marriage somewhat changed by reason of "for worse" as considered mandatory in original vows. So we must remain in our quiet desperation forever silent about needs gone unmet any longer. For the other spouse unable to have sex, it is the ultimate sacrifice for both partners as a result. I think you owe no explantions nor need to feel any guilt about any past sexual events. At least it was part of the growing process until you met and committed to one partner forever, no matter how bad the circumstances become. But the loss of individual needs can cause great anguish in the partner affected by loss of those needs. We have to commit to public opinion and vows under all circumstances both good and bad it seems. I think it's very cruel of others to judge us badly for still desiring needs unmet. Counseling has not helped, and I have been silent for over 12 years of abstinence. Few younger people understand nor accept this problem that they cannot yet understand, and few older people accept it either. Abstinence and celibacy is not the exclusive demand of only the young, but is also demanded of older marrieds whose lives have been significantly altered as well.Individual circumstances vary often and yet all judge those who cross any lines of previous commitments. It's an individual choice, but to be found out is to be condemned by those who don't understand. I hope this makes some sense. Of course, for the deeply religious, and strict mores, I will not be shown any mercy nor quarter as men who still have needs are mostly forced by religion and society to toe the line, and never change, thus denying till death do we part. That's the way it is, fair or not.