Abstinence & Celibacy Support Group

Welcome to the group! I'm a virgin and waiting until I'm married for primarily religous reasons. However, I don't think that just because someone has been sexually active in the past somehow makes them "less worthy" than someone who has always abstained. One can make the decision to abstain at any time and for a variety of reasons, religious or otherwise. I'm happy for you that you found your soulmate. : )

'born again virgins' piss me off. i can accept people wanting to be abstinent. i understand how the term came about since the original term for virgin was someone who hadnt given birth. it still pisses me off that they go around shortening their own term saying theyre 'virgins' because theyre 'born again virgins'.

If you are married with children, why join this group?

Dear Choam, I am not abstinent, however, I joined this group to respond once to someone I could help. Like you, if I could go back and erase all 'my partners' I would.... Why would you go back and erase all your partners? I think you will find your answer there. Yes, you may not have met the one you are with now. I may not have met my most beloved husband had I chose a different path, but who knows what would have been? I am so grateful for my family and my husband, you sound like you are too. I don't see myself as less worthy because I wasn't a virgin "in the physical sense"; I know we all come from different pasts and different difficulties; I don't think its a matter of 'worthiness or self worth', virginity doesn't mean you are better...I believe it means you are 'better off'. Think of the years you spent sexually messed up, lonely, always wanting to be valued by your current partner, hoping to find the one who you could truly love... that sucked! Atleast I thought so! So, yeah, aside from the fact that you might consider me, 'religious', I don't see human effort and striving to make someone a 'more worthy' individual; I think there are choices that are more sane, more healthy, more loving (unconditionally), humans are complex...I believe a lot more complex than science and a lot of 'religions' acknowledge. Sexual intimacy is also a lot more complex than I think a lot of people realize, even those of us practicing healthy sex in our marriage...like you said...your husband wanted you to realize what sex really meant to you. I think choosing abstinence is a very healthy and wise decision for those who plan on not spending a lifetime with an individual. Sex and love belong together in my belief, and love is not selfish. I think that those who choose to separate love and sex mess themselves up. Why is it wrong or narrow minded to view a human being as meant to be with one individual anyway, "canadian geese are monogamous". I believe we are also meant to be with one individual sexually. (I am not saying that you disagree with this, just speaking about why I see abstinence as important). I think someone should do a study on people who have had limited partners and settled down with a single individual and compare the study with those who live a life like the one exemplified on "Friends". I think they will find that a promiscuous lifestyle leads to depression, loneliness, lack of self worth, emptiness, and other problems". So, anyway, sorry this is so long, I just had to share from my experience and also my view on abstinence and why I would choose it had I the choice again.

Im glad you found someone who loves and respects you. As for the whole "if you have sex your not as good" I dont think thats true at all. I think abstinence is a choice and doesnt have anything to do with worth. Im happy to hear that you found someone who agrees with you on that. It gives me hope that I can find someone who loves me for who I am, not whether Im sexual or not. Thank you!

Oh yeah, and Im abstinent because I dont want to have sex with someone and then have them leave me. I want to have it because I love and respect someone and am loved and respected. Plus its my last piece of childhood and Id like to hold onto it for a little longer.

BabyPink, No different than joining a teen pregnancy site either. Just because I'm not a virgin any more,let alone a pregnant teen doesn't mean I never was,and my viewpoints don't have merit. Should I also stay away from stillbirth sites because losing my baby at birth was too long ago to matter any more? Food for thought.


I'm here because of many reasons. Almost everyone here understands where I was coming from-and I applaud the beauty of waiting until one has found and married their mate. I endured many males treating me like trash because they had already decided my past formed who I was in the present and future. My husband didn't 100% accept me for those details either,but he realized earlier on to look past it and see me for who I was when he met me.

I was asking for people's reasons towards virginity, just because I was genuinely curious to know everyone's viewpoint. No one is right or wrong. Virginity is valid in so many ways,and I do hope my own children have the maturity to take this path too.

I would go back and erase the partnerships because through trying to seek love and acceptance,I endured rape,abuse,pregnancy(stillbirth) and many things that robbed me both emotionally and physically. I'm not saying being sexual is a bad thing:-p Your reasons behind being sexual is important though. As I mentioned, once I became sexual,for emotional sake,I tried separating sex from intimacy-which is a huge mistake in my mind. The actual physical gratification of sex can lead to addiction if you're not careful. No different than if I was talking to someone who gambles,smokes or is involved with risky behavior.

Sometimes it's those who don't share our lifestyle that can help give us the opposite views and experiences that keep us strong and self assured. If for instance you were knew to relationships(just putting it out there),having people who have seen the worst and best,can give us clues what to look out for,or how to handle a confusing thing.

I'm not here to step on toes. Or pretend like I'm a born again virgin:-p I'm just here for encouragement and to show my support in something that I feel shows great maturity and self respect.

Dee Ross, You have very insightful thoughts. Thank you! I agree 100% that if that study was conducted your findings would be right on target. Sad,but so true.

Dragpire, Right on target. It's common knowledge no matter how many partners one has,if you meet someone that isn't like minded in settling down with the right mate,you'll find yourself dumped either a week,month or a few years of dating. Why put yourself through losing your virginity for someone who truly take your sexuality not to mention yourself for granted?

Hugs,

I don't think that not being a virgin makes you "less worthy". I think that anytime someone takes a positive stand for themself it's a good thing. Oh that everyone would raise the bar on! Think of how wonderful it would be if the entire world said, "Nope... I really am worth more than that." What if we all believed that we really were worth waiting for? Wouldn't that be something!
To comment on what you said though, I think that it is wonderful when someone can look back and have no regrets. Maybe that gets confused with looking down on those that can't say the same, but I don't think it is necessarily intentional.
I'm not a virgin, but I wish that I was. I'm now waiting until I get married. Because I found that having sex is pretty easy, but I want so much more than sex. I want the whole thing. I want my self-respect. And I don't want anymore regret. So, I am currently two years and holding :)! Yay me!

So, all your life experience led you to something good and (as you think 'eternal'). This is a positive ending of your 'journey', so why do you feel so bad about your past? Is this because you feel you hurt someone by your reckless sexual activity or because of some perceived stain these encounters left on you for the rest of your life?
Some of us have to make mistakes before we become strong and virtuous. Congratulations and best of luck.

As for me, I haven't been lucky with my love life at all. An almost-virgin, I married a man with a long track record of past short-term partners. Said he matured and is ready for something serious. After almost a decade (very little sex during our marriage apparently due to his ongoing health problems), he left. Years later, I still haven't met any man potentially for me. My previous abstinence, and thus lack of experience with relationships left me just vulnerable to be exploited, rather than appreciated as a person. That's why I'm celibate: because I've given up on men. Some people get desperate and lower their standards, others get dissilusioned with shallow sex and simplistic approach to it.

It looks like our life histories are direct oposites, but looks like you're happy and I am not. Conclusion: forget the past and cherish your future.

I don't feel less worthy than a virgin or anyone else that I've compared myself to now. I have read a few posts(I'm not putting anyone down for their personal feelings) about some viewing non virgins as stained sort of speak. I definitely understand that viewpoint,although it still makes me cringe to see a blatant generalization of sorts.

I did hold my past sexual relationships as a dirty secret. Feeling more to blame because I was female. Ever wonder why there's so many nasty names for women who are sexual,and yet little to none used for men? I did feel since I was slender,beautiful and outgoing men attracted to me for my body,and over time I hated being who I was. I hated attracting those who cared only about getting me into bed and not being with ME. It's hard to find love,when you mix sex into the equation. It seemed my reputation got tarnished no matter how much I tried to change things.


While I say my husband is my soul mate,please don't assume I mean everything was fantastic throughout because it wasn't for a long time. I can say NOW that we're soul mates,and that I felt this throughout even though there were times I felt less than blessed. Dealing with his obsession at starting online businesses where he spent every spare moment on the computer working on websites than with me(Try being ignored for months on end). Finding out he's bipolar and that leaks into both work and home life(the emotional ups and downs and obsessional behavior like the computer thing I mentioned). There was a bout of the first six years where he had a very low sex drive(due to past alcohol/anti depressants use) and that's to name a few. I've been supportive and there,not because I've felt less worthy of better,but because not only do I believe in him and us,I believe every step we've taken over the eleven years has gotten us to where we are today. It was these difficulties I faced, and we faced together,that helped me find my voice again,helped me to stand up for myself and not be intimidated. I have to add,having dealt with psychological/physical abuse as a child too,it's been a long lonely road to changing from an intimidated lack of self esteem type. It was my husband's no nonsense sometimes egotistical viewpoint(LOL) that helped me get out of my little box where I always felt inclined to hide. I found it impossible to stand up for myself all my life and to do things without feeling I needed other people's acceptance all the time.

Lilja-I think it's safe to say for ANYONE in a relationship,is that no one is safe from being hurt regardless of relationship or sexual experience. It may be painful to admit(even from me),but even the huge list of issues I've had in my relationships, I too have to take responsibility with how things were going. Not all the time,and I'm not saying I know what applies in your relationship,but understanding that relationships=2, sometimes we all need to step back and see what we're contributing to the equation that's not helping. The only reason for that,is so in future relationships we can stop from duplicating the same things that may be contributing to the destruction. Most often,it's realizing the TYPE of partners we're attracting to,and finding a way to change that internal gauge that is propelling us towards the wrong types of partners? I'm not judging you or telling you you did ANYTHING wrong. I just wanted to give you a little insight into what I've realized myself and hearing from others.

Sorry this message got so long!
Hugs,