Abstinence & Celibacy Support Group

i really feel for you.my x was very young when she was raped.but for her it was the oppisite .all she wanted was sex.unfortunatly not with just me.so after battling that for 17 yrs i called it quits.dont beat your self over the fantasies.just lay it at the cross.get your strength and answers from the Lord. remember ask the LORD to forgive you those thoughts have you tried counceling? my x wouldnt go for it.and you can only do so much.

I have been through this. I was the survivor and my husband was very understanding. It is not wrong to want sex from your wife.

First and formost she needs to get some help from a sexual assalt therapest. The book: a door of hope, helped me a lot. One of the things that really helped me was to tell my husband what I went through. I was forced to give a blow job to my abuser. This was very hard for me to do with my husband. To be quite honest, it is still hard to this day. However, I had to mentally tell myself that this was my husband and not my abuser. It really helped a lot. If she will still share a bed with you, try to snuggle up to her. Stroke her hair and tell her that you love her. If you are afraid of getting turned on when you do this, put a pillow between you two. You want her to feel you and not your maness. Also, start loving her outside the bedroom. Did you know that sex starts in the kitchen? Help her with the dishes, compliment her on her cooking.

For me the very things that I had to do to the abuser, I had to force myself to do with my husband. I knew a lady whoose abuser pulled her hair during. So her husband would just put his hand on her neck until she was finally used to it. Bottom line, you both need help. God gave us sex to be used within marrage. Therefore, don't feel so guilty that you want this from your wife. If she won't talk about it, don't try to make her. Thats just my experience, I hope it helps!

You are right it is not fair to you. And to tell you the truth is you don't already realize it she is pushing the hurt and pain down instead of dealing with it. I know from personal experience. Maybe try asking her to go to counselling with or with out you. She needs to wotk out those emtions or things will only get worse for her and you. I hope that helps.

From what I can tell, our issues are separate from hers. You could try not to take hers personally, and definitely get help for yourself and encourage her to seek counseling as well. She needs to get help before she can help you with your needs and vice versa. Good luck!

Correction... I meant Your issues are separate from hers...

My STBX and I had the same relationship. For 6 years our sexual activity was low to nil. She always told me that it was the abuse, and that she would get through it, but she refused to go to counselling for it. Earlier this year, she came to the conclusion that her problem was not the abuse but that it was the fact that she was never attracted to me in the first place (boy, talk about a kick to the gut). She wants a divorce and has placed all of the reason for it on that fact.

My advice in your situation is this: get counselling for both of you. She may say that the abuse is not a factor, but she is inaccurate about it. Sex is not only a normal and natural part of marriage, it is a necessary part. God intended us to have sex with our wives. During my marriage I felt that a good husband should not impose his sexual desires on his wife. I was a little off the mark with that. It turned me into a doormat, and I responded in many similar ways that you have told us.

Please know that yes, adultery is a sin and you should avoid it, no exceptions. However, your fantasies, while being sins, are things that God understands. I do not feel that He is one who has no understanding of our personal situation. you are in a tough situation, and you have handled it better than most men would have. Give yourself some credit for that.

It is not wrong to want to intimate with your wife. It is good. She does not want to be intimate with you, and that is wrong. I understan that you do not want to divorce her. Trust me, I would have much preferred to have had my wife truly try to work things out so that our good maraige could have become a fabulous one. She gave up on it, not me. Still, I was told by my church leaders that I did have a valid reason for seeking a divorce if I wanted one. The way I read your situation is that your wife is controlling you in this aspect of the relationship, and every time you try to be assertive in it, she shuts you down and puts you back in your place. If you want to avoid the temptation of adultery, I would ask you to consider divorce as what might be your only option. God does not intend you to be unhappy, and if your wife, as much as you love her and want to be with her, is unable or unwilling to complete your relationship, than you may need to do the most difficult thing in your life and tell her you cannot continue. A divorce will NOT make either of you happier, and it will NOT solve your problems or issues, but it will open the door for you to find happiness with someone else. You are a good person, and you deserve to be married to someone who will make you happy. If oyu go through the divorce, try to be as patient and respectfull as you can, but you need to start looking out for yourself. Do not become the doormat that I was. Try to understand that you deserve happiness, that it is God's will, and divorcing her could be the best thing you can do at this point. If you have done everything you could to make it work, and she refuses you this, than she is in the wrong, not you.

Hard stuff to hear, I know, because it was hard for me to hear. I wish you the best.

I suggest you post this on the sexual abuse support group for further info. I think Butterflyrhymetime's advice is very helpful. I was sexually abused by my Grandfather when I was a child for years until I spoke up about it. I sometimes have sexual issues too. Hope this helps!