ADHD / ADD Support Group

There's nothing you can do to make him understand or encourage you. If he doesn't even want to try--I'm sorry, but it sounds like divorce may be a very viable option. I hope he does come around, though and that things work out. God bless.

I agree with one thing: there is nothing you can do to make him understand. And, for that, I grieve for you. However, that's why we're here!

Thanks so much for your help. It has taken me crying all day yesterday [ while he was out like nothing was wrong] him coming home after 11:00 {was at his brothers} Then he was ugly to me this morning and has taken his wedding band off-Im pretty much done and I will be fine. Decided today he is not going to change and after 8 years if he cant understand and try to help me I am better off without him....LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY!!!!!!!!!

The best thing you can do is work on yourself. Get yourself stable and then you can can see if the relationship is repairable. If you are more worried about your husbands feelings then how can you get better. If you can't get better, then you wont have the skills to better your marriage.

Oh sweetie, I know this feeling - of wanting things to work out, but seeing them as hopeless.

I disagree - divorce is not the only solution here. A lot of husbands - and even families - believe that ADHD is an excuse, not a medical diagnosis. It does take education though to crack their minds open a little bit to the truth.

If your husband won't look for information WITH you, do your own research to find out how ADD manifests in your life- it's different for all of us. You can casually mention some of the things you've found - or better yet, buy the book Driven to Distraction by Ned Hallowell and read him a few excerpts. That's what made a difference for my husband (and our relationship sucked at the time I was diagnosed).

Understand that your husband is frustrated and doesn't know what to do, either. From his point of view, it looks like you are overspending or forgetting important infor/appts/names, etc. on PURPOSE. You now know that isn't the truth. It's the ADD at work.

And you also know that taking a pill isn't enough to "fix it." You have developed coping strategies over the years - some worked some don't work so well. You have to create BETTER strategies to do it differently now that you know about ADD.

I know this sounds far fetched, but I believe you CAN create a marriage that works for both of you -- and not just a marriage you settle for less than you expected.

My husband and I recommitted to each other, worked hard at learning how to be in a GREAT marriage (yes, we had to learn how to be nice to each other, esp when we were mad) and now we have a relationship I never dreamed possible. I wake up every day in love with him and he adores me. It CAN change. I've lived through it (and I've also been through a difficult divorce with my exhusband, so I know the difference in approach!).

There are so many things you can do and try, but for now, take a minute and ask your husband for an appointment to talk - at a time when you both will be calm and not pressured by time or job or kids, etc.

Make sure you follow some basic rules during the conversation -- this is not a complaint session- this is an acknowledgment of what is right and good in the relationship and it is a time to let down the shield of anger and be honest. No one is allowed to leave this conversation in anger -- this is a starting point and it should be brief -- no more than 10 minutes (I couldn't even talk to my husband for 1 minute in the bad days).

Then tell him the truth - that you don't want a divorce. You want a strong, loving marriage with him and that you are willing to work to co--create it. Ask him what he wants from a relationship with you - what HE wants from his heart, not a list of ways you need to change to make it all better.

You take the lead -- your comments should start with the word I, not YOU (which can lead you back to blame again). It would go something like this:

"I know that I really love you and that I haven't been showing you that lately. I want so much for us to have a loving and wonderful marriage. I am trying hard not to be afraid of what will happen to us or to me. I know that there is a way through this if we work together and we both need to be heard. I want to hear you, truly I do. Anger gets in our way. I just wanted to tell you that I am optimistic because of the new information I am finding out -- and I know you think ADD is ridiculous but the more I learn, the more I think it has had a huge impact on our marriage. It's OK for you to dismiss it - I am working on it myself. But again, I love you. I want this to work - I'm sorry I said I wanted a divorce -- I don't and i won't tell you that again.

So what I'd like to hear from you is what you want from our marriage. Would you be willing to tell me what's in your heart?"

Note the word "Would you be willing..." Those are the four most powerful words in any relationship -- instead of asking or telling, you are enlisting support. You might want to use it when you ask for an appointment to talk....

There's so much more, but ...this is a FORUM!! So I'll stop.

My deepest blessing to you as you move through this difficult time and find your way back to your true self again.
Hugs and love
Linda

Oops-- I wrote and wrote not realizing you had already made a decision. Oh well...relationships require TWO people to work and only one to dissolve.

You will be fine, darlin -- keep writing and know that you aren't alone!
Hugs
linda

hey thanks for everyones advice--part of me wants to stay the other to leave and never look back. i do love him very much. i think i will take your advice linda and try atleast one more time....your advice was great im not ready to give upbut did not know what else to do.i want to give it one last shot--thx!!!!

hun there is not much you can do. just try to explain it to him slowly, b/c ppl w/o ADHD seem to think we talk to fast(dunno why lol) i hope that you dont have to get a divorce but if he cant understand you i dont know what you can do.

you mentioned that you are forgetful and irrisponisible. that is part of ADHD but everyone is like that at some point. waht i do is write things down on a pad of paper i keep w/me to remember what i need to do or handle later on. its an easy thing to start doing and a freaking life saver. i personally don't take meds for my ADHD, havnt since i was 14 and i am perfectly fine and function normally w/other ppl, altho i might be a lil odd. meds are not for everyone. you really should explain things to your family. if taht dun work, i would suggest smacking them w/a wet noodle, but that usually dun work either lol i hope that some of this helped, if only to make you laugh at some of the random things i've sed. trust me hun, i dont consider my ADHD a disease or mental problem but as a gift from God and he made me unique this way. you are also unique and beautiful in your difference. do not let anyone make you feel as tho you are less of a person b/c you have ADHD. it doesnt make you stupid, merely waaaay more awesome than others. lol i hope things work for you darling, truly. if you ever need to talk to me about ADHD and turning it into something worthwhile, i'll be happy to talk w/u.