ADHD / ADD Support Group

I sent this reply to someone yesterday. It was in response to the question as to why her son easily completed some tasks without her having to tell him over and over but others especially those that didn't have a reward attached to it he claimed that he forgot or was confused.

She suggested that I post it on the forum. I am hoping that it will not only explain why our little ones choose to do or not do certain things but I hope it will bring insight into what they experience daily. Not only children but adults, friends, spouses even. It's what we have a hard time explaining. I hope it helps you see what you can do to support and help. That is why you are all here. To figure out what to do !!! Maybe this will help.
_______________________________________________

I have been thinking about this response since yesterday. I am coming at it from my own perspective as a person who has ADD. I am hoping that by explaining what goes on in my own life, brain, and emotions I have been thinking about this response since yesterday. I am coming at it from my own perspective as a person who has ADD. I am hoping that by explaining what goes on in my own life, brain, and emotions you will better see and understand what seems so confusing to you.

Please forgive me if it seems jumbled and ask for clairification on any point. I am much more articulate verbally than with written words.

First of all I would like you to picture a high school running track. Keep that picture in mind as I explain what happens to a person with ADD.

There are several issues with ADD that are overlooked. Many times all we look at are the hyperactive traits and the inability to focus. I know I did the same thing with my children. What I didn't understand is that there are other things behind those characteristics.

It is the Executive Functioning part of the brain that has trouble. This executive functioning is the management center. Each component of this center is impaired and affects a wide variety of other mental functions. Try to look at these components as at least 1 lap around the track.

Lap 1, Activation
Lap 2, Regulation
Lap 3, Integration

Each area could be more depending on the task at hand.

Activation - People with ADD have a hard time activiating or motivating themselves to start a task.

Regulatgion - Then it takes extreme energy to sustain the motivation to complete it. This is expecially true for low-interest activities.

Integration - Making a routine thing a part of everyday is hard because thoughts are free flowing and not regulated. I still cannot stick to a schedule. Something else always comes up.

Even now . . I am supposed to be doing something other than writing to you but this has my attention.

ADD'ers thrive on high stimulus. It creates chemicals that help us sustain the energy that a normal person has. Maintaing focus on things that we are not interested in means that we are using the energy of running 3 laps to a normal persons 1.

Just getting the motivation to run is a lap in and of itself.

Depending on the task there are other requirements that may make us run some more.

Does it require organizing in any form. Time management, space organization, planning, categorizing ? Are there several steps that need to be done. If so each one is a lap.

Does it require memory. As I said in my last post remembering to have the kids put the sticker on their charts was a big deal for me. They forgot I forgot. It exhausted us to run that much.

Are there distractions that need to be filtered out. If there are add more laps. The frustrating distractions are the internal ones. Thoughts that continually bombard you. I can have the house completely quiet, my space clean and neat with no visible distractions but the thoughts and ideas that come into my head come like a ball thrower at a tennis player. They are all so interesting too. I want to think about them all.

An ADD person feels bombarded like there are hundreds of people on the track but you are still expected to keep up the same pace.
And run your laps just as fast as someone who is training alone.

Are there choices to be made. Too many choices can be overwhelming too. Sorting through what is most important and prioitizing is so frustrating. More laps.

What you see as a very simple thing to do because you have all the executive function processes in your brain working is extremely difficult and complicated for your son. He is not able to tell you what is happening.

So now to the original question. Why is he motivated to do one thing and not something else?

If you had to run 10 laps for everything that you had to accomplish in your day. Things like getting dressed, remembering to eat. Finding your keys, wallet, other necessities. Getting where you needed to go on time. etc . . . All at 10 laps per thing, you would learn quickly that you wouldn't have enough energy to do everything. You would have to pick and choose. He is not being lazy. He has worked harder in one day than most people do in one week. No one sees it because it is an invisible impairment. He chooses what to focus on because unconsiously he knows how much energy he has to work with.

When his energy reserves are depleated and someone askes him to accomplish something else, as simple as it may seem, my guess is that he reacts very strongly.
It looks like defiance, diobedience, willfullness, obstinence. He argues, digs his heals in and then gets punished for it.

How about you ?? When you have had all you can take do you ever get a bit testy ? I do. I know my limits. I work hard at pacing myself so that I can be a nice mommy by the time the day is over. The good thing about me is that as an adult when I throw my tantrums, and wig out because I don't have anything left in me no one takes anything away or punishes me for being exhausted. I am an adult an can pick and choose my tasks to pace myself. He is required to meet expectations that everyone around him has placed on him, for his own good, and is not allowed to be act out when he repeatedly doesn't measure up.

He is so frustrated. He doesn't have the mental energy to run but no one sees it.

Mind you I said mental energy. It looks very different than physical energy. He is probably bouncing all over the place. Video games by the way may look like he is using mental energy. They allow him to hyper focus. That is actually restful. That is a whole other subject.

Unlike an athlete that is training for a marathon the more running he does he will not be able to run faster. It is not a matter of conditioning or training him. The impairment is real and does not get fixed. It is managed. Picture him as having a leg injury and then believing that if he just runs more he will get faster or better. When we have injuries accomodations are made. Help is offered. Your son has a limp. A permanant limp. It requires extra effort on your part just as though he really couln't walk.

The medications help. They are like a brace. It helps things move a bit faster. It makes it so not so many laps have to be run to get to the same end. But he needs help.

A non ADD child may go through his day running 6 laps worth of mental energy to your childs 30. The medicine drops that down to 20. If your child does not get the support he learns that some very emotionally damaging things. He may believe that he is inheirently bad. This usually comes from teachers or parents with expectations that he can never meet. He learns that he is a disappointment and is not enough. He may internalize that he is a burden. Because of this he will not know that he is worth asking for and getting what he needs later in life. He will think of himself as flawed instead of learing and discovering all of the magnificent traits that ADD people have because of their unique ability to have free flowing thoughts. Depression, isolation, relationship trouble are often secondary issues that ADD people suffer from.

How can you help? First let him know that he is great ! That HE is not the behavior. That he is not the ADD. Just like a person in a wheelchair is more than their disability. Let him know that you are there to find ways to cope, deal with and thrive. You are also there to comfort when the frustations overwhelm hin. He is unique. Let him know how cool that is.
Help his teachers know what he needs. He is not able to do that for himself yet. You are his voice.

My 11 year old and I talked yesterday about how frustrating it is for her in class. She is implusive and speaks out without raising her hand. She gets in trouble. Instead of lecturing her about raising her hand I asked the question WHY ??? This is the most important question you can ask. WHY ?? is it hard to raise your hand. Her answer was because by the time he calls on her she has fogotten the answer. She either looks stupid because she forgets in front of the class, never raises her hand so the teacher never knows that she knows the answers, or she blurts it out letting him know how smart she is but her intelligence gets overlooked because she isn't following the rules. How sad, how frustrating. Just answering a question in class she has to run laps.

We got her a special little notebook last night. She is going to try to keep it open and next to her at all times. The plan is when she has an answer to quickly write a word that will jog her memory so she can look down and have the answer. She lit up like a candle. She was so excited this morning to have a way out of running.

Remind him, don't expect him to learn how. Give him one direction at at time, cheer him on. Not because you are trying to change a behavior but because you recognize the effort he is putting forth. Don't expect him to be something that he is not capable of. Let him choose which task difficult task he wants to accomplish. Point out to him that he was able to do something that required great effort. Again not to show him he can be normal but to acknowledge him that he can do hard things. Notice the effort it took to get that sticker, that video game money, he really really worked for it !!!!

I suggest that if he earned it never take that away as a punishment. It is like taking away a Gold metal when it was won. Take something totally unrelated away if you need to discipline. He needs to feel successful. Otherwise he will stop trying altogether feeling as though why try to get the reward. I am going to run and run and I will screw up somewhere else anyway and they will take away my reward.

I know this is hard. I hope this insight helps you. Love him !! I know you do. Love him in the way he FEELS loved. Still set limits and boundries. Rules and consequeces are very important. They need to be within reasonalbe expectations. Remember the limp. You would not set an expectation that a child with a bad foot would have to mow the grass. Take the trash to the curb maybe. . . but not mowing. The effort and the task need to be considered. Most important always ask the question WHY ??? That is how to truly be an advocate.

If you need more help you are more than welcome to contact me. Like I said before I am better at verbal and wouldn't mine a phone call.

Good luck, Hope this made sense.

Ann


On 09/07/08, 02:56pm sapphireprincess wrote:
i loved what you wrote to my response...thanks.

this is by far one of the most trying things. i feel that kids can learn to do things but i have never had a chld in my home with adhd and be their step mom. we have spoken to so many people about this, and gotten some pretty sound advice, but it has not made it any easier. i think the hardest thing is that if he is working towards a goal, like getting money or video games he remember everything. i dont have to tell him twice i don thave to remind him or tell him over and over what i just said...they just get done. but when its a chore just bec its a chore, or something like brush your teeth...it becomes a horrible task. so my questions is, if they can remember to do something and do it just they way it was asked and in a timely manner all becasue they are getting something out of it, why when he doesnt get a reward do the issues arrise?

thanks
Posted on 09/10/08, 06:09 pm