What is ADHD ADD
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurologic syndrome that exhibits symptoms such as hyperactivity, forgetfulness, mood shifts, poor impulse control, and distrac...
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Where to start?
I am 39. Mom of 5. Ages 17 - 6. My 6 year old and 11 year old were diagnoses within the past year. My 16 and 12 year olds I believe have it also. I was diagnoses a month ago. I was re-married a year and a half ago to a man who has never been married and never had children. He is a wonderful man who is going through quite and adjustment from bachelor to family man. He loves and has good relationships with my kids. He wants to be a good dad to them. He is trying hard to figure out what it is to be a parent. When my kids were diagnosed it was great. It helped explain to him why they did what they did. Me and the kids get along great. We have our way of doing things. I don't get too stressed about their forgetfullness, disorganization. We just help remind eachother of stuff. I help them clean and stay on task. They patiently remind me over and over about things that are important to them so I don't forget. We don't have set schedules but get things done. My house is uncluttered and clean. I allow each kid their way of getting homework and chores done. Some do it best after school, my night owls do it best late. They are all have A's and B's so I don't worry about having a set regime for all of them. I don't see it as disorgnization. I do not see it as them making excuses to get out of things or laziness. I see them as individuals who have different ways of acheiving success. My husband sees it as me babying them. Them not learning to take on responsibility. He believes that they can be trained to remember, be organized, be more responsible. He is used to schedules. Things done at a certain time every time for everyone. He gets so frustrated. I try to help him see that they are just kids. That they are trying their best. That it has nothing to do with him or their love and respect for him. Since their diagnosis it has helped. He sees a difference with the medication. He sees that it is not a matter of will power. . . sometimes he see it. Other times he forgets and gets frustrated. Now for me. I have held the belief that if I could just get a better system I could . . . If I just tried harder I would be more organized . . . . if it just. . . .It has been rough for me to realize that this is it. This is how my brain works. There is no training just coping. Since my diagnosis fear has gripped me. My husband admitted to me that he is now doubting himself and his decision to be married. That this might be too much for him. Some of the things he says bothers him are the same things that my ex complained of. I never understood what my ex meant. Now that I am learning about ADD I am seeing how it contributed to what happened. That scares me. A marriage of 17 years ended because of this. It is who I am. I can't change that. It is not like he can talk to me about what is bothering him and I can acknowledge and change the behavior. The behavior is hard wired ! I am in a panic to get the right medication so that I can "fix" this. I tried concerta but it sent me in to a deep depression. It only took a week. As soon as I was off it the grip of despair left so I know it was the meds. Yes, I get that I am in a stressful situation that contributed but this was different. Now the doctor is perscribing Adderol. I will start taking it tomorrow. What if I do not get organized, streamlined. It's like my husband is waiting to see if the meds will work. I just want him to accept me as is. Then help me, support me to get on with what is important. I feel scared to breathe. So afraid that I am doing everything wrong. That living with me is so bad that he will leave instead of seeing the wonderful beautiful parts of me. I do not doubt the love that he has for me. I feel that it is like when you first get pregnant. You are so excited about this beautiful baby that is going to bring so much joy and fullfillment to your life. Then the baby is born. You are sleep deprived, you don't recognize your body, you are lucky to get in the shower, and all the little thing does is cry. You look at life and say "What have I just done" because you realize life has just changed and isn't ever going to be the same. I have come to realize that I am organized in my way. Me an my kids have done really well together because we are ADD. We get eachother. Who is to say that the non-ADD is the only way. What have others of you done to help spouses deal with what living with this means. When we are not running a house me and my husband are great together. We are great friends. I don't know what he needs. I don't know what I need. I do know that it is his deal. He gets to accept us or not. I believe that if he understood that life can be rich and wonderful just in a different way that the choice would be a bit easier. I am concerned that he will continue in his man ways. He is resisting looking at what ADD is and changing his view that it is just and excuse. Please let me know what experiences you all have had. Thanks, Ann Posted on 09/04/08, 10:09 am |
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Hi Ann-
I have just very recently been diagnosed with Adult ADD--and my children (ages 15 & 11) do not seem to have AD/HD. I am however also married to my second husband, who had never been married and has no children. It sounds to me--and please correct me if I am wrong--that you were all "this way" while you and your husband were dating, engaged etc. and now hopefully with treatment--getting a better "grip". Could it be that maybe the AD/HD in your family has nothing to do with his second guessing?? It was a major life change for him, and maybe now after a year and 1/2 the day to day isn't as "easy" as maybe he thought it would be?? I have been married now for 3 years and we had a lot of growing pains in the beginning. My 1st husband and I were divorced 7 years before I met my current husband and yes my children and I had become accustomed to living our lives a certain way. A book that helped me as well as my husband (and this is going to sound a bit odd...) but it was a book by Dr. Phil--I believe it was his "Family First" , there is an area on the "blended" family and the role of the "step-parent"--my husband openly admitted he didn't know what he should do and reading that book really opened his eyes to how the kids perceive him etc... This may not have been what you were looking for, but I hope it can help!? Mare 
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I have ADHD as an adult woman and my boyfriend does not. IT works for us though because he is mellow and patient. When i start hyperactivating all over the place and moving a mile a minute, he is perfectly calm and doesn't let it stress him out. He knows, it's just how i get stuff done and it's not his way, but it's my way. I totally get the system that works for "you". I have that too. It's like an organized form of chaos. But it works for me. Can your husband maybe learn to let you do it your way and he does it his?
This might be way off base. But here is an idea. My sister is an alcoholic. And when she went to rehab, I had a hard time understanding her. I didn't get it. I wasn't an alcoholic. But, i read some books and tried to understand what it was like for her or else we wouldn't have a relationship now. I also went to a councelor and talked about it. It really helped. Maybe you guys could go to a family concelor or something. So everyone gets heard. I don't have kids, but i do remember my mom letting me get things done the way i knew how. It was great. Being open minded for kids who are ADHD is a must. We are fun kids, lots of energy and interesting, never a dull moment, usually smart too.. Your husband, if he stopped trying to make the square peg fit into the round hole, would probably have some fun with your family. You sound like you are doing a great job. One more thing, i like having ADHD. It works for me in my life and i have figured out ways to (like you said) cope with what i have. If others have issues with me, then that is their issue. You need to be who you are. This probably didn't help, but i am stoked for your kids that they have such a cool mom. Concerta does work for me, but i have battled with not taking anything on and off for years. I find meds do help with being organized and not forgetting stuff, but they aren't the answer. For me it's sticky notes, an iphone and my assistant. With out those, i would be lost. Sorry this isn't more helpful.
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Hello there mother of two! Well my father is the same way as your husband. Sh"t I'm like my father I do the same, that is just part of man I guess.
I have ADHD and am going thru a divorce. I know that if I would have dealt with it sooner, I may not be getting a divorce. Keep doing what your doing, stay positive, I myself drift into negative thinking, occasionally I need someone to slap me and say 'quit being negative'. Here let me distract you with a couple books and maybe you can gain perspective: Why Venus and Mars Collide. John Gray I think. Great book, it gets broken down to physiology, and hormones, which was great about the book. This may help you just like when your two little ones were diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Last but not least: In 'The Secret' they stated that if you are in a quarreling phase; grab a piece of paper and write down everything you love about your husband. Being married is a constant, unconditional love. I hope this distracts some goodness into your life. I know it could be frustrating two beautiful children. Keep your head up. PEACE
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i know how u feel. its hard for me too, i have ADD and my husband doesn't, its hard because sometimes it seems like he doesn't understand me.
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Try the book "Driven to Distraction"
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