I Am Lovable and Capable Part I: Self-Esteem-The Mood Disorder Cure
I am lovable and capable: Isn't that what it's all about? If we all felt lovable and capable there would be significantly less depression, anxiety or panic as diagnosable conditions. Urban legend has it that all of us wear an invisible sign around our necks that have the letters "I.A.L.A.C." on it. IALAC stands for; I am lovable and capable. As we go through our day, every time someone says something or something happens that we view as hurtful or negative a piece of our IALAC sign gets torn off. There is a silent ripping sound that goes along with the invisible sign. You can't see it or hear it but when it happens you sure can FEEL it. As the IALAC sign erodes so does our self-esteem. With each piece that is ripped off, we become more vulnerable to depression, anxiety and panic.
I first encountered my IALAC sign as a child. My mother was then the director of the Sunday School Education Program at my Synagogue. She used the IALAC curriculum, created by Dr. Sidney B. Simon (Simon Workshops) to teach about the effects of racism & anti-Semitism on self-worth. We all made IALAC signs, punched a hole in the top and attached a piece of yarn so we could wear it. We spent the day wearing our signs observing how we felt. Each time we encountered something we perceived as negative we would rip off a piece of the sign and put it in a baggie.
At the end of the day we all sat in a circle and talked about the pieces in the baggie: what happened and how it made us feel. With each torn piece most of us felt a twinge of insecurity, self doubt and self-criticism. Interestingly, although many of us were frustrated at the source or person who hurt us, our disappointments were self-directed.
It's clear that our "IALAC" signs or "high self-esteem" is vital to good mental health. Yet, why is it that we do so little to protect it. Why do we leave our IALAC signs so vulnerable to ripping? And it's not always others that are ripping our signs; often we do it ourselves with negative and irrational thoughts. Our own beliefs of being inadequate and incapable usually rip off the biggest chunks. How is your IALAC sign? I would love to hear about how you protect yours as well as the pieces that have been torn off.
Next: Part II The Importance of Recognizing Negative Core Beliefs.
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I used to have trouble preventing my IALAC sign from rippling.Mine actually has a set life per day, so I'd try to do everything in the morning while it hadn't been attacked yet. But I've learned that it's due to lack of self esteem, and not confronting issues or conflicts headon.When you're too conciliatory, you avoid confronting what bugs, but it ends up accumulating and any charge can come trigger it and have it bug you instead. So now I try as much as I can to deal with any issues as soon as they come up, and it's made me a little more stable.
By rever May 16, 2008 1:56am
I believe that in loving God, I learn to love myself. Loss can be a real trigger for self esteem. When someone or something we love is taken from us, we feel vulnerable, scared of more loss. I think one can have very high self esteem but still feel down at times. I think it's all a learning process. There have been long periods in my life when my self esteem was very high, and times when it hasn't been. I guess I think it's a gray area, not so black and white....
By nancy7161 May 15, 2008 8:47pm
I agree that loving yourself is the most important thing you can do in this life. However, I find that many people around me are so negative and try to always tear me down. I feel like I am floating in the universe trying to avoid so many "black holes", people trying to suck me in to destroy me with their negative comments including a daughter of mine. I struggle every day of my life to stay positive and fight off negativity.
By sagan May 15, 2008 11:39am
Great article...There are times like now when I have to work extra hard to stop my PTSD and whatever from getting hold of me and shutting me down..It is so hard its times like this I have to pray for protection for whatever is going on inside.
By csand May 15, 2008 6:51am
I concur...knew of IALAC -- studied in vacation Bible school..have even repeated the "mantra" in my head several times; however, am now dealing with the "ripping" in the workplace...what do we do when it is being ripped apart? How do we protect our IALAC sign?
By EdieJudge May 13, 2008 10:43pm
Good article, but the thing missing is: how do we avoid the sign being ripped, or what do we do when it is? I hope Julie Cohen reads these comments and can answer this here or address it in her next article.
By Lizzie May 12, 2008 12:14pm
Gawd your good Julie1 I'm following these articles. In my circumstances the pieces were ripped for years by mental blackmail/emotional abuse by a meanspirited mate. When it's a daily esteem-shredder, you see yourself reinforcing this battering behavior by diminishing yourself as well. The scar tissues are the hardest to heal. My depression is sincerely a failure to thrive, a broken heart, a product of my marital enviornment. I don't know if time ever heals however it's all we have. Ok time to read part 3.
By Heckster May 12, 2008 12:26am
So what do I do when the person who should be making me feel validated, my husband, makes me feel totally unlovable and incapable?
By ClaresMom May 11, 2008 10:11pm
I just signed up to DS, and my goal is to Love myself. What a great blog and how appropriate for me at this point. I whish everyone on the planet wore this sign, just like in the Sunday School, and every time we are hurt a piece gets torn off. It would be interesting to see how long it would take for us all to realize how responsible we are in damaging others. Even though Im damaged, it doesnt give me the right to hurt others, wether its conscious or not.
By staceylm May 11, 2008 7:23pm
i am not loveable nor am i capable. i have learned this over the years. i used to think that i was both but society at large has made it quite clear to me that i am not.
By lookeehere May 11, 2008 5:13pm
My IALAC sign is torn off and seems to be gone for good. I cannot get rid of the negativity in my mind no matter how hard I try. This is what keeps my ED alive.
By JanMar May 11, 2008 10:10am
I always believed that the quality of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts. If I choose to believe the negative thoughts than I will have a negative attitude towards myself and others. If I choose to only focus on my positive thoughts than my attitude towards life and the people around me will be more positive. It sounds easy enough, but it really does require effort to remain positive in an always negative world. After all, if you want to fly like Peter Pan you have to think happy thoughts!
By toriboborialb May 11, 2008 9:59am
Awesome post. Wow. I am by far the biggest "sign ripper" by far. Wish I could protect the sign from my own criticism.
By 070468 May 10, 2008 5:12pm
Great blog! It has helped me feel better today.
By dj2431 May 10, 2008 1:11pm
yes how do you protect your IALAC? i would really like to know. I think i agree with everything k9linda said
By missknownada May 10, 2008 3:11am
I have not discovered how to protect my IALAC sign and would like to know as well how others protect theirs. I know I am IALAC but after many years of being belittled by my parents, outsiders, and my husband it has been hard to think and feel like I am IALAC. I truly believe that this is the reason we all lose our IALAC sign -- we have been belittled and hurt so much emotionally that we start believing what we hear from others and then we tell ourselves that we are what they say we are. For some reason our brains retain all of the negatives and unfortunately we can't forget them or let them go. I've decided these people are toxic to me physically and mentally and I avoid confrontations and sometimes contact with them.
Thank you for posting this topic.
By K9Linda May 10, 2008 1:17am
I look forward to reading more from you. I am getting to a stage when I can see someone else trying to tear my "IALAC sign". I find it incredibly frustrating when this happens and don't really know how to convey it to the people responsible. The lack of understanding from the people concerned annoys me, and I'm not sure how to emotionally protect myself.
Thank you for your blog, it was insightful!
By Awake May 9, 2008 11:03pm
A great system to identify how we react to our internal and external environments. Thanks for posting!
By CSR May 9, 2008 6:23pm
my therapist is trying to teach me cognitive therapy for my negative self talk that rips my IALAC sign apart. i also dont know how to say "ouch" when someone insults or attacks me. i, instead beat myself up for being weak in not fighting back. today, i am in the deepest depression of my life and i am struggling with asking why is life worth fighting for? im not suicidal but ive always felt, why do people keep themselves occupied? what are they trying to divert their attention from? i cant let myself feel anything.
By annie41963 May 9, 2008 6:03pm
Thanks for posting on this highly relevant topic. I too look forward to part 2. I have a feeling that this is one of those topics that most everyone could benefit from reading and exploring! Thank You!
By DaveJolley May 7, 2008 2:56pm
Great blog. I can't wait to read part II
By Jesse May 7, 2008 1:21pm