"I Don't Know" A Key to Self-Awareness
I know this will sound cliché, but as a therapist I often ask the question, "how does that make you feel?" Sometimes clients can easily respond with angry or sad or whatever is prominent in their heart and mind. But, that question can also stop them cold.
Have you ever just drawn a blank when someone asks you how you are feeling? As a therapist I encounter this often with clients. Sometimes they report feeling lost or foggy. Either they can't find the words to describe the feeling or can't access the feeling at all. And after a long introspective pause as if giving up with a shrug of the shoulders out comes, "I don't know."
However, all is not lost. The statement, "I don't know" can actually be a conversation starter rather than stopper. It's a window into the unconscious. Well a window with the shade pulled down for the moment but also an opportunity for self-awareness and growth.
People distance themselves from their feelings for many reasons. Sometimes it's just too painful and putting feelings on the backburner is a survival technique. Also, if you are more connected to your thoughts than feelings it can be difficult to access them on demand.
To bring your feelings to a conscious place you must bring yourself to a very awake and aware state of mind. Meditation and yoga are two excellent modalities that can bring you to a "mindful" state. Other grounding activities include; mild exercise (walking or an easy bike ride), gardening, knitting, prayer, cooking or anything else that you do that calms you and brings clarity. There are no guarantees but, often when your mind is free from the clutter of the day and other distractions and you feel centered, buried feelings may begin to surface.
Categories: News
Support Groups: Anxiety, Bisexuality, Breakups & Divorce, Codependency, College Stress, Coming Out, Depression, Depression - Teen, Depression Supporters, Empty Nests, Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians, Gay Men's Challenges, Lesbian Relationship Challenges, Panic Attacks, Physical & Emotional Abuse, Seasonal Affective Disorder
16
I just really need help
By PamSherrill October 7, 2008 5:00pm
15
I just really need help
By PamSherrill October 7, 2008 5:00pm
14
Very interesting. Our new daughter, now 14, from a very dysfunctional home, responds this way to most any question that involves real thought. She slips in survival mode probably every day, even though she has lived with us for almost 11 months now. Sometimes, she will come up with an answer, but not often. I need to remember that "I don't know" was one way to survive in her chaotic home situation with an alcoholic mother and father who was a drug abuser. I know that the more relaxed she is, the easier it is for her to talk about difficult things. In the midst of any conflict, however, especially regarding a bad attitude or behavior, she shuts down and says "I don't know" to most anything I ask her.
By ClassyMomma October 1, 2008 11:24am
13
I think it's always good to try and understand how you feel. It's when the WHY question is asked that it gets me.
Yes, I can say - sometimes - 'it makes me feel - good, bad, indifferent etc' and many times is the 'I don't know' answer.
When the WHY do you think you feel like that question is asked - that's when I sprial down.. oooh... not good.
By achesnpains September 30, 2008 10:07am
12
I find this to be very true for me - the "I don't know" syndrome. I do find that when i am doing something like cooking or gardening, my hidden feelings often surface. But I am not so sure I want them to sometimes. It's "easier" to keep them hidden and not have to deal with them. I know that is a bit of "head in the sand" mentality. Just don't know how to convince myself that I NEED to deal with those feelings even if I don't want to.
By Batdog September 29, 2008 5:01pm
11
no, cant do that. feelings are very bad things that should always stay as buried as possible. and if, by some fluke, they surface.stuff em back in right away...
By lookeehere September 28, 2008 12:35am
10
I say I don't know when I fear what someone will think-like boss
at work
I agree mediation and yoga can help
I don't know- don't want to gossip or hurt someone
I agree that beingmore aware is good-
I don't know if I answered question
By kellie58 September 27, 2008 5:32pm
9
Thank you Julie for making more awareness about the "I don't know" statement. I've often mistaken not knowing for what may also be confusion on/about something or indecisiveness. They are so similar, (I think). There's probably are few more reasons I or many others say "I don't know", that could probably be described better, that I still need to find out.
By page September 27, 2008 12:32pm
8
I, too, say "I don't know" when someone asks me that. Nobody ever tried to talk to me about why I don't know or other stuff like that. They would just go onto another conversation and ignore the "I don't know" part. I do agree with you one one thing. When I'm playing video games, I'm usually relaxed and a bunch of thoughts come into my head. That's when all of my real feelings come out. Guess I never realized this until I read this.
By CloudStrife September 25, 2008 11:37am
7
I have been in therapy for a while and have made good use of the "I don't know" response to qestions i was not ready to answer. Rarely do I truly not know how Im feeling. But I have also found that often it has been productive for me to be aware of how often I do hide behind that response, because I have found that tryng to not use it so much, but actually occasionally challenging myself just a little rather than quickly hide behind "I don't know" has been essential to much of the progress I have made.
Another thing I tend to hide behind is "just because", when asked why something is how it is, or why I see something a certain way. My therapist and I are trying to work through this as I have grown up not being allowed to qyestion a lot of what I was taught to believe, so it is a natural response to me that things are how they are because I was taught thats what they are and not to argue or question the way they are, but now I am learning that things dont necissarily have to be a certain way, but if there is something I fnd hard to talk about my usual response is "Just because", and therefore becomes a response to hide behind.
By lasthopem September 25, 2008 10:33am
6
Have you ever noticed that many people will stop to ask people how they are, while they are walking away from them? Do they really care - I think not. I have learned so much about my feelings from the cognitive behavioral study I took 2 years ago.
I have often noticed that when women ask men anything to do with their feelings, they are clueless. Men have a harder time expressing their feelings than women, in my observation. I could talk forever about my feelings, yet my husband after being asked "what is wrong?" always tells me "nothing" , time and time again.
By flip12flop September 24, 2008 11:33pm
5
Yes, I have been there. I have been so numb and overwhelmed that trying to pin it down is like trying to count all the stars in the sky. It is impossible. Hugs...Good topic. Michele.
By mwolf September 24, 2008 9:00pm
4
I find if I say I don.t know how I am feeling but I keep talking I can sometimes get to how I am feeling, it is as though I just have to start talking to jump start my mind and my emotions, I may even start by saying that I am ok and then talk my way into more clarity and realize that is what I would like to be feeling but in actual fact I am having a hard day or vice versa. All this to say that sometimes I think we just have to start actually thinking in a mindful way to get to where we need to go.
By creativehand September 24, 2008 11:07am
3
I have never been able to put a label on my feelings! I try but once the "word" comes out it doesn't feel like it was the right one!
By DonnaB23 September 24, 2008 9:57am
2
I have had trouble accessing my feeling almost all of my adult life. (I'm 45 now.) Often, I can identify them in retrospect but have to look at how I was acting to make the determination. I've also found that writing can help in that my emotions seem to come out in the tone of my writing. I can feel almost giddy and not know it! I can also feel depressed and not recognize it. Does this go with OCD because I have it? And by the way, my mind is never really "free from the clutter of the day." How does one get around that?
By clutteryermind September 24, 2008 8:32am
1
Oh boy. Thanks so much for writing this. This has been a weekly road-block for me in therapy, where I simply CANNOT feel any kind of emotion. And haven't felt any emotion for 18 months. So by reading this, I feel just a bit more normal.
By mynameis September 24, 2008 12:18am