Five Stages of Grief
If someone experiences the death of a loved one, you would completely understand their deep grief. But if you are having difficulty conceiving, or have had a miscarriage, you, too, have experienced a loss, and you may not realize that you are grieving. Miscarriage and infertility have something in common: the loss of dreams and expectations. In her book, Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross broke down the process of grieving into five stages.
Stage one is SHOCK:
Disbelief, helplessness, confusion, state of alarm, restlessness
Stage two is AWARENESS OF LOSS:
Separation anxiety, emotional conflicts, prolonged stress, oversensitivity, anger, guilt
Stage three is CONSERVATION/WITHDRAWAL:
Withdraw, fatigue, grief work, hibernation, weakened immune system
Stage four is HEALING:
Taking control, giving up old roles, forming a new identity, forgiving and forgetting, searching for meaning, closing the wound
Stage five is RENEWAL:
Developing new self-awareness, accepting responsibility, learning to live without, focusing on inner needs, reaching out, finding substitutes
You may not experience all of these, but in some form or another, you will work your way through some of these stages as you grieve. Grieving can be a long process and it is different for every person.
Be gentle with yourself.
For a more in-depth definition of grief and it’s stages, please see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief
Categories: Overview
Support Groups: Bereavement, Bereavement - Teens, Infertility, Infertility, Secondary, Male Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy After Loss/Infertility, Stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)
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during step four i died my hair blonde and started painting my toenails green instead of red. i know thats silly but thats how it works. he always liked my red toenails but then i just decided to change them.
By BlackDiamond7 September 22, 2008 5:46pm
10
Thanks for the advice. It's good knowing the steps that we must flow through, but I often at times feel that there are parts of me that are stretched out along the middle. In a lot of ways I feels as though I'm still in all of those categories, but only time will tell.
By troubledintx September 14, 2008 4:45pm
9
Another form of loss is also having your children adopted out or taken from you. This also causes alot of grief. It also in some way makes it a little more difficult esp. because you know your children are alive and with someone else. It seems to magnify these stages and symptoms. And it also seems to attack birthmother's identity and coming to grips with no longer being a mother. This process is long and hard. And sometimes you wonder if you are ever going to reach the next stage in grief so you can eventually heal. It does take time but sometimes when each minute seems like an eternity. It proves a little harder to keep focused on the big goal at the end of this long horrible journey. But it does happen, and sometimes we aren't even aware of it. Thank you for writing this. I am having my own issues with grief. It is great to see that others are learning that grief comes in many forms and not just by a death of a loved one. In the end, we must never give up! One day the skies will part, and there will be joy and happiness and resolution to our pain.
By JustTink September 9, 2008 5:19am
8
Thank you for this. By knowing that there is a path, a way I feel better. I think I am still in the shock stage. I cannot believe he is gone, but it has been only three weeks. Thank you.
By aliciamc September 4, 2008 6:44pm
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Vit, thank you for writting this. Not everyone understands the grief of mc or infertility.
By dorothiec August 29, 2008 7:44am
6
This is such a good topic for me. I"m still grieving and in so much pain over the fact I won't be a mom. I just can't seem to move on from this...
By cperry47 August 28, 2008 11:23am
5
I truly appreciated reading this article as I realy related to the line about the loss of dreams and expectations. I have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years and I think sometimes "if I had miscarried people would get why I am upset". I think when people know you are trying, they are afraid to ask how you are...when really you are a complete mess at times but it doesn't seem warrented to cry as you would when an actual life was lost. The word bereeavement isn't typically associated with not being able to concieve but maybe it needs to be a little more often.
By cwagsy August 22, 2008 2:51pm
4
Thank you for recognizing the Infertility is such a painful loss. I too have lost a sibling to a motor vehicle accident and just a few months ago my parent. Now facing infertility I sometimes share with my sisters that this too is very painful and I have the similar feelings of grief. Thanks for validating it for me.
By FNP August 21, 2008 1:20pm
3
Thank you for saying something that needs desperately to be said. I never knew how many of my friends had suffered miscarriages until I had one. And there are grief groups especially for people who have had them. I recommend them. My pastor, who has three beautiful daughters, said *Well, you can always have another one.* I asked him what he would say I came to him when one of his daughters died and said, *Well, you still have two.*
I think all the time about how old my baby would be now (23) and what he might be doing. I pray we will meet in Heaven where he will not be a stranger to me.
By Appleby August 21, 2008 11:37am
2
Is it possible to be caught in the middle of these two things? I am so happy you wrote this post. Makes me feel less out of control and more normal. No other grief site has mentioned these feelings, so I feel validated. I am combining this grief (loss of my Mother as well as infertility/loss of pregnancies) with ADHD and what I can only call depressive symptoms following the above losses. Thank You for writing this It was a wonderful contribution and helpful.
:)
Stage three is CONSERVATION/WITHDRAWAL:
Withdraw, fatigue, grief work, hibernation, weakened immune system
Stage four is HEALING:
Taking control, giving up old roles, forming a new identity, forgiving and forgetting, searching for meaning, closing the wound
By DawnEBelle August 20, 2008 11:30pm
1
I have suffered two great losses in my life. I buried my son on March 20, 1995. He had died inside of me from kidney failure when I was 8 months pregnant. I miscarried the same year christmas morning.
By bridgwoodk August 20, 2008 12:16pm