5 Keys to Positive Discipline
I was at the park the other day with my children when I witnessed an unbelievable parenting moment.
A 3 year-old boy, whom we'll call Billy the Bully, and his mother were at the park. The mother was on her phone while Billy played in the sandbox. Billy the Bully repeatedly snatched a toy truck from another child while his mother gabbed on her cell phone. The other mother had to intervene several times because her son was beyond upset and frustrated. And then Billy the Bully decided to throw sand in the other child's face and when the other mother became riled, Billy's Mommy finally hung up and told her son, "If you throw sand any more, you won't get a treat from the ice-cream truck." Well, lo and behold, about 2 minutes later, he flung sand in the other child's face again. The other mother picked up her child and left the park.
About 10 minutes later, Billy the Bully begged for a treat from the ice cream truck--it only took Billy about 5 minutes of whining before his mother caved and bought him a big fat ice-cream bar from the truck.
Unbelievable!
She basically just taught Billy that it's okay to be a bully; It's okay to act in a way that might potentially harm another person and she taught him if you whine long enough, you'll get whatever it is you want. I realize there are many different parenting techniques and styles but I truly believe that there are a few key elements to successfully raising nice, well-mannered and well-rounded kids.
1st Key: Consistency. If you continually change the rules and consequences, it becomes confusing for children. Kids need routines and stability to feel safe and secure in their environment. Also, I know I've said this before but mean what you say and say exactly what you mean. Be clear and concise with the rules and the consequences. If a rule is broken, you absolutely have to follow through with the consequence. If you waver, bend the rules, or fail to follow through, kids will sense your ambivalence and weaknesses and go in for the kill!
2nd Key: Give your children one-on-one time every day. They need your total undivided attention for at least 20 minutes a day. Call it their "special time" and let them choose the activity. Make sure you really focus on him/her during this special time. Dr. Harvey Karp, a nationally renowned pediatrician, calls this "Feeding the Meter." This is a practice I use in my own home and I think it works great!
3rd Key: Reward Charts. Reward charts encourage positive discipline and help build self-esteem. You can use reward charts for basically anything. But make sure you only have one reward chart going at a time. Some examples for reward charts might be: Sleeping issues, eating issues, concerns about lack of respect, difficulties listening and following rules. You can use them for just about anything that needs to be addressed. And kids feel proud when they successfully finish a reward chart.
4th Key: Be a Positive Role Model. Kids Learn by Example. If you yell, scream and lose your temper, don't be surprised when your child does the same. Also, kids love it when we lose our temper, it means that they have controlled our emotions. Ding Ding! Round one is over! No matter how upset you are, try to remain calm. Take a deep breath and try to deal with the situation in rationale manner.
5th Key: Allow your children to practice their budding independence. You can do this by simply allowing your children to make a few choices/decisions of their own each day. This goes a long way and reduces their frustration when you have to say "no" to more important issues that may arise.
4
* HA re-read my post... meant- patience not patients.
By lladyfairhair July 14, 2008 5:13am
3
YES and Yes- good article.
When my son was little we would have to tell him ... givin you a "warning" not to do (whatever it was he was doing - this time was soccer at the park) that we WOULD leave- if he continued.
Well yes he continued... and we LEFT the park. This works for restaurant, grocery store, etc etc... he grew up knowing that we meant what we said. I think you have to be prepared even if that means you leave without eating, not getting your shopping done- whatever it may be at the time. ITS really hard BUT if you stick to this rule and you and your spouse are on the "same page" / united front so to speak, it will be much easier in the future and the best part is that it doesnt take more than a few times for them to get the picture. The hard part is doing it EVERTIME> no backing down. No matter what. You can try this ...lets say you go someplace a few different times first before... maybe a trial run ... (they can really see that you mean what you say, instead of the wedding that you NEED to attend because you are matron of honor or something along those lines-LOL)
The time at the park... was REAAALLLy disappointing because we were all kicking the ball around and we really didnt want to go home. I mean hub and I didnt want to go home either -LOL- were having alot of fun but our son was not listening. We left with a crying, sad little boy- looking at us like he couldnt believe that we were actually leaving.
Something else that really worked for me... try to have as much patients as possible ( I know its hard believe me- I know) because if you get loud, yell at them because you are frustrated... you wont have any room to move from there, meaning if you start at yell, there is nothing more you can do to get their attention. To this day... (son just turned 18) I have never EVER had to do more than give that "look."
Of course every child is different, and you cant say all will apply every time- just wanted to comment on something that has worked for us.
Good article.
By lladyfairhair July 14, 2008 5:04am
2
Awesome! My friend's son is VERY "MINE, MINE" oriented. He takes things away from my son regularly, that are "his," and his mother is trying to discipline him by telling him no, and that "we share our toys" and puts him in time out..when he is ugly. All in all, he is a sweet boy..he is just a tad bullish. He is only 2.
By e3run July 12, 2008 6:01pm
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I have learned in the 10 years I've been a parent that one of the best forms of therapy to help you realize that aren't doing as bad a job parenting your kids as you think, is to just go to a public place where there are a lot of people, sit and just watch how other parents handle their kids. When you see some other folks who let their kids get away with murder, you may come to accept that you're not doing so bad a job.
When our first daughter was born our senior pastor's wife told me something I have not forgotten to this day, and I share it with others when they ask. I asked her for one piece of advice on raising children. I could ask her this question because she and her husband have three obedient children. I knew they didn't have to abuse them to get them to obey, but how did they do it. She told me, "You and your wife have to decide that rebellion will not be tolerated in your home. If you see it bring correction to it immediately. And live right consistently in front of your children."
Those words have been invaluable
By Slipdisk July 12, 2008 10:54am