Monogamy or Monotony?
In the May 26th edition of the New York magazine, I read what I believe to be a somewhat sad article. It is entitled The Affairs of Men: The Trouble with Sex and Marriage. It discusses the differences between male and female sex drive and men's seeming inability to grasp the notion of a monogamous relationship.
The article provides pieces of information that have been ascertained through research such as the fact that 25% of American men commit adultery and 15% of American women do as well. Even if this is a low and underreported estimate, there are still many more people who honor a monogamous relationship.
The article does entertain both sides of the argument and interviews people with varying opinions, but, in general, it presumes that because of the innate need of men for sex and their desire to mix it up, or be with different women, they are simply unable to, well, keep it in their pants. The author, Philip Weiss, admits his own desire for sexual variety and how that has affected his marriage over the years. He even goes as far as to say that Europeans may be more evolved when it comes to marriage because they understand a man's need for variety and the women just accept this.
The more likely truth, and one that is also mentioned in the article, is that the women accept this because they have little choice and that it is, in fact, a painful reality for them. While I believe that this article does offer some empirical and substantiated facts, such as some of the research done at the Kinsey Institute, I feel that it is incredibly self- serving. Do married people cheat? Yes they do. Is it beyond their ability to control their cheating behavior because of a biological predisposition? No, I do not believe this notion for one minute. This is the difference between a civilized society and one that has no social norms or boundaries. These decisions are conscious choices. There are many different reasons for infidelity and, as I have mentioned in the past, it does not (and should not) be the reason a marriage ends. But despite what this article may state, there is a clear value to a monogamous relationship and, as with anything worthwhile, there are sacrifices that must be made in order to achieve the trust and intimacy that comes from years of being faithful and loyal to one another.
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25
OK, So why then does society seem to accept serial monogamy, that is marriage #1 divorce, marriage #2 divorce, etc? If one uses the bible as the standard, Jesus said on two different occasions that unless infidelity is involved, anyone divorces, remarries, and has sex, is committing adultery, as is the partner. It seems society has deliberately overlooked that. One reason the number of those cheating may be lower than expected is because thereis now also a lower percentage of people are married.
I was married, I cheated, and eventually divorced. Since then, I don't promise monogamy because I know I may not be able to do it. Believe it or not, a lot of women will accept that and they date me anyway. I feel I can have a close, romantic, honest, and sexual relationship with a woman, even if I know she is sexual with another man. I think one can have more than one partner and still be responsible and honest. My criteria is that all parties involved agree to that kind of a relationship before hand, all feel the same way, and no one gets surprised or deliberately hurt.
By Crusty August 27, 2008 11:37pm
24
Do you have any insight as the the accuracy of the "recent study" showing 25% of American men commit adultery? Given how frequently studies are done with the intention of supporting a particular position, I wonder if the study was done with a significant degree of statistical correctness. What were the questions, what were the order of the questions, how many were interviewed, how were the respondents selected, etc.
That number may be significantly high or low. I can't use my own personal experience to know. What would be more interesting would be if certain groups had a higher response rate. For example, the hollywood genre of people who worship whatever hollywood spews out, would they have a higher rate of adultery?
Is there any geographical or socio-economic bias?
Given your professional role, i would appreciate your comments as to the study you quote. I know that the point's made in the article are dubious at best, and I agree with your view that we can't hide behind a supposed biological pre-disposition.
By pbb August 23, 2008 1:57pm
23
I just ended a 7 year relationship because of cheating. I forgave one time that I was aware of...the other times, could never quite put my finger on it. I don't wish that feeling upon anyone. I have been robbed of my self esteem, my dignity and respect as a woman. My father was a cheater and my mother forgave and forgave for the sake of the kids but she came to a point where she couldn't do it anymore. I too, just couldn't do it anymore. He never appreciated what I brought to his life....unconditional love to him, his children and his family. And he will continue this behavior....because he can.
I'm glad that I ended it. I hope others who are in the same situation find the strength as well....
By julianna August 4, 2008 9:41pm
22
What this article doesn't do is give a perspective on the female who cheats and/or just the person biased on thinking all men are created equal. It's in my "opinion" in the wiring. Some men are prone to cheat as are women. Depending on which needs aren't being met. One being sex, many other factors in addition to that from a woman's perspective.
As well, the statistics may be off a stretch by a few decades, this might be given by people who actually "kiss and tell". I'd stretch and say 60% of men, and 40% of women sounds more realistic. But where's the proof in that? Depends on who's written or performed the study.
In any social circle (America speaking), adultery is more common than we think simply based on the Hollywood role models that we see, who are committing adultery on their spouses and/or you read or hear of breakups constantly making it appear avant garde or almost chic to be a divorcee'?
It's clearly more common than what's ever discussed, for both genders.
Unfortunately, I have no factual data to back up my claim/statements...
By JTGPP July 21, 2008 7:07pm
21
I was faithful for over a year while my wife was deployed. Yes I wanted sex while she was gone, but as has been said fidelity is a choice. Regardless of biology or urges our conscious mind and ability to make choices is what is supposed to make us more than mere animals. Some of us anyway.
By McCuagh July 13, 2008 11:54pm
20
So if the article is true, then I might as well give up on finding one of the few men that might actually believe in fidelity. What an awful thing. I had hopes that there were less of those with the same inclinations as my ex.
Oh well.
By anewme831 July 11, 2008 10:40pm
19
My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years. Six months after we married, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had to have surgery. He gets female hormone shots every month, and has had radiation and chemo. All of this made him sterile. On top of that, he has COPD, and he needs to be on oxgen but refuses. Most of the time, he sleeps on the couch and watches TV. His cancer is nolonger in remission, and his COPD is getting worse since he still smokes.
At first, I just put sex out of my mind. I told myself I didn't need it. But our relationship has changed. It's as if we're really close roommates. He has no desire to please me sexually, and has never even tried.I think it's because of the shots, because he cries about it.
We rent a cottage right next to our home, and our renter is in love with me. We've kissed, but nothing else. Frankly, my husband kisses better. But I am so tempted. My neighbor is scared to death, because he knows my husband would kick him out as a renter. I'm not even sure I could do something like that to my husband. He's already had one failed marriage, because his wife cheated on him.
How do I get rid of these temtations?
By ElaineBwn July 11, 2008 10:01am
18
My therapist said monogamy is a choice. In marriage there are two people involved each making their own choice.
By Cricket08 July 10, 2008 12:27pm
17
Cyndi:
Male infidelity has been studied rather exhaustively by anthropologists and others. It is a universal phenomenon, cross-cultural, and found with robust references through all of recorded history. The behavior has survived elaborate, creative, and violent attempts to suppress it. It has alternately been tolerated, accepted, and demonized. Let us begin…
Rather than characterizing societies that are tolerant or neutral on male infidelity as being on the wrong side of "civilized", perhaps they are simply being less histrionic and more thoughtful "choosing their battles". Does the U.S. posture on monogamy really strike you as more civilized than our peers in Europe?
While it may be true that European women have simply surrendered to the male predilection for sleeping around, would you assert that U.S. women are suffering less by refusing to do so? I don't see much evidence of that.
Many cry foul over the erosion of Judeo-Christian sexual mores in 21st Century society, but I'm simply going to state the obvious: that ship has sailed. People have voted with their feet, so to speak. If one insists that 2,000 year old patchwork texts from uneducated illiterates define the best possible social and ethical models for human beings, then of course we have long since been doomed.
If you don't, then we're left with the science of understanding human behavior. What makes men tick? What makes women tick? It is important, I think, to work with those facts and do our best to put our cultural and gender biases aside.
Here is what we know.......(feel free to disagree).....
There is a perfectly intuitive evolutionary thesis for male sexual behavior, which includes the tendencies toward promiscuity and philandering. Within the past 10 to 20 years in particular, parts of the thesis have become observable with the advances in neurology. We are beginning to understand the neurochemical engine inside men and women that drives sexual behavior. It in no way is aligned with the Judeo-Christian model of what "should" be motivating sexual behavior. In fact, it describes a very different animal altogether.
When you state, "these decision are conscious choices", you are of course correct in the literal sense. What you are ignoring however is the growing amount of data that describes the subconscious neural mechanisms that dominate much of the real-world manifest behavior. People in the U.S., Europe, and elsewhere are largely ignorant of the 'root cause' of their romantic and sexual feelings and behaviors. I, for one, think this is not much different than being ignorant of the germ theory of disease. Your suggestion to "just say no", or "please, be civilized" is not likely to produce results. If that is your goal, then a more thorough discussion of the science of human behavior is what we need in our blogs and counseling sessions. We need to aggressively inform men and women what biochemical tricks are being played on their brains in order to motivate them (ultimately) to mate and reproduce. We can always go to church if we want someone to tell us we are wicked for lusting after our neighbor's wife. Leave that to the religious ghouls. They are much better at it than you (be grateful).
How about this?
We are all an advanced form of primates. The sexual reproduction of primates has evolved with an apparent requirement for both a male and a female. The male homosapien and the female homosapien have evolved with different mating and sexual tendencies. These differences do not make one gender 'civilized' and the other 'uncivilized'. They are simply different. It is solipsistic to assert otherwise. In fact, without these differences, it is highly likely the homosapiens you've come to love and hate would not be here at all. Remember, when it comes to evolution and natural selection, nature is in no way interested in our 'moral' objections to its design. 98% of the species that ever existed on this planet are now extinct. Those who are not have exhibited superior reproductive strategies, so shame on you for suggesting otherwise. :)
Contrary to your recommendation, I would say the Europeans probably have it about right: Women will likely need to exhale on the issue of male fidelity and stop destroying their lives and families over it, while men will of course, have to accept that in societies where women are not burned alive for adultery.......women do a pretty good job of catching up with their male counterparts in terms of sexual variety. This does not mean we cannot find common ground, develop important, intimate relationships, or even that monogamous relationships are not possible. It simply means it is unnecessary to esteem them as the only possible ‘civilized’ model. For those who find monogamy fulfilling, bravo. For those who do not…….then not.
Our collective 'best practice' here is to inform people about what we know of the inner workings of human behavior, what we know about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases, what we know about the social consequences of unplanned or unwanted pregnancies, and to endeavor to bring better and universally available technology to mitigate all of these issues. We will get there, and the strenuous arguments for the ‘monogamy only’ model will, one by one, be made moot.
What is not likely is that we will know anytime soon how to trick the male (and yes, female) brain into preferring monogamy over the alternatives. We will likely get there someday, but just not yet. Until then, we need to embrace (or at least understand) our differences, stop the gender slander, and peacefully coexist.
My $ 0.02
Yours in Christ - Mario.
By Mario07 July 10, 2008 12:02am
16
I really don't agree that men have problems with fidelity. I have never cheated on anyone who I was with and I never had the desire to. Even though my wife had a very low sex drive, I just did without because cheating is wrong. I didn't fight the desire to do that because I loved my wife and I didn't want to hurt her.
I disagree that infidelity shouldn't be the reason that a marriage ends. If someone cheats on me I am gone. That is the most sacred act of a couple and if that trust is broken it kills the relationship. Sorry, but it is just plain wrong to cheat.
By HeaveToo July 8, 2008 5:35pm
15
I 'm not sure how I ended up here but the article caught my eyes.Certainly many good and valid points are made here. I didn't realize that the opinion sited here as "European" was solely European. For quite some time to me it seemed that that was the mentallity of the world today. I believe that the cause of sexual issues today has little to do with natural sexual behaviors.
Can you come up with an explanation for this without a standard? What is the protocol? In trying to find the excuse, or explaination that fits are we just making the question more complicated?
People are interesting,that is for sure.
By TORNNOMO July 4, 2008 8:30am
14
I would never cheat. I have far too much character. I am alot like my Grandfather.
Of course people can choose whether or not to cheat. My ex could of just come to me and said, "I don't love you anymore and I want to be with someone else", rather than cheat with a murse in her class.
I'd still take her back, because what we had only comes along once in a while. It is going to very hard to find the same kind of connection. Hopefully, the next time I get involved, I will meet a woman who can communicate better.
BTW... murse = male nurse...
By TrevorJames July 4, 2008 12:09am
13
Message 11: I think serial monogamy is the standard in most romantic relationships today.
By bato July 3, 2008 1:52pm
12
I wonder if the article presented the equally controversial belief that women have biological urges also, that in fact, nature has predisposed us to seek out a source to father our children and then another to actually raise them? Yes, apparently we seek out men with superior genes to help give our children biological advantages that help them survive to adulthood, and then we seek out men who are willing to stick around and invest time, energy and resources into helping raise them. Yes, apparently our sex life is determined by the needs of our offspring. lol
Now, just because women have these urges (conscious other otherwise) does not mean we actually act on them. We have self control and social boundaries as human beings that result in the majority of women not surrendering to such biological urges. The same is true of men.
We do all share ancient DNA that allows for some of these primitive urges, but we also are evolved creatures with social structures that override them. If we are unfaithful, it is a moral failing, not a biological or genetic one.
I think this author is simply trying to pass the buck and ditch personal responsibility for his actions and the actions of others who have been unfaithful, or toyed with the idea. Personal accountability seems to be incidental to so many people these days. This makes me sad.
By bato July 3, 2008 1:45pm
11
seems like a lot of very conservative opinions here. monogamy is just plain wrong in terms of evolutionary science and is a failed construct of society. humans are genetically programmed to have and act on their carnal desires, women in my experience more so than men, and the quicker we abandon this concept that monogamy is a pre-requisite for a healthy relationship, the quicker we may reverse the trend of skyrocketing divorce rates which are well above 50% in the western world at the moment.
By SashS July 3, 2008 3:58am
10
I fully agree. In my opinion some people just try too hard to back an excuse thats highly flawed. Stand up and just admit that you chose to do so, and a monogamous/honest marriage is way more advance than the Idea of multiple partners (duh). Besides I thought it was men reached their peak at around 18 and women some where around 30? must be a lot of "boys" out there.
By Stisty July 3, 2008 12:59am
9
Well, I just wrote a comment #8, and I see that my first sentence is wrong. I meant: I agree that it is FALSE that men cannot control their behavior because of biological predispositions.
By homebod July 2, 2008 10:56pm
8
I agree 100% with Cyndi that men cannot control their behavior because of biological predispositions. This is the myth of the century! I have even read studies that reported that throughout history women have been the gender most likely to desire variety in their mates. I know many married women who have much higher sex drives than their husbands. Men continue to perpetuate the myth that they "aren't getting enough" to boost their egos. Milton, please do not take that personally. I understand you when you say that your wife lost interest in sex with you. This is unfortunate. However, I have been alive for a long time and have talked with many women who are very unsatisfied with their sex lives, saying things such as their husbands lost interest in them after they began to have children. In my entire life, I have only met a couple of women who had low libidos.
Thanks Cyndi for this post.
By homebod July 2, 2008 10:50pm
7
I feel like we all have at some point or another attraction to another person outside our marriage. But the decision to act on that attraction is what we need to try to understand. My husband cheated, I understand how he could, but I never have done it myself. I have been tempted, and I can't say I never would cheat, but I feel like it would be hard for me to do it and have respect for myself.
By elisha July 2, 2008 7:44pm
6
This line of thinking... that men cheat because they are bored in the bedroom is very old fashioned. I think the real numbers of cheaters (men vs. women) are probably closer than we realize. I also think the reasons why people cheat go way beyond sexual satisfaction. Faithfulness is a choice- just like any other choice we make in life.
By Sadfriend July 2, 2008 7:40pm