In Session - Notes from the Couch

It may seen harsh or even contrived to say that we should have expectations of our mate in a relationship, but it is in fact a key component of a healthy relationship. The obvious expectations that would be hard to argue against are basic respect, honesty and kindness.

Most people would say that they would like to expect those things from their mate. But what about the more complicated expectations and the ones that people are often afraid to articulate to their partner? These things need to be laid on the table early on in a relationship. If the relationship is determined to be monogamous then the expectation is that the other person will reserve intimate interactions, both physical and non-physical, for their mate alone. A good test of what that means to someone is to ask, "Would you be ok if your partner was behaving in the same way as you are?"

Another vague expectation is that when you are apart from your partner you will represent him or her in a positive fashion. This doesn't mean that you can't share your frustrations about an argument or a dynamic with a trusted friend or confidant but it does mean that the sharing doesn't devolve into disparaging remarks that serve no constructive purpose and would be profoundly hurtful if your mate knew about the conversation. This behavior falls under the heading of respect for your partner and for the relationship in general.

More concrete examples of expectations are things like: do we exchange gifts on birthdays and holidays? What roles and responsibilities does each person assume in the household and with regard to finances? How often are we going to have sex? (See my blog on Sex and Marriage). Believe it or not these are all things that can be discussed ahead of time. It is an unrealistic romantic notion to believe that when two people are in love they can read each other's minds. Sometimes it just works out that people are on the same page in many areas but when needs are not stated early on, feelings get hurt and disappointments between people can turn into huge issues in a relationship. It is ok to state your needs and within reason expect that they will be met. When your needs seem unreasonable to your mate then it is important for you to hear and understand what your partner's limitations are.

It is a great exercise prior to getting married or to entering into a serious committed relationship to discuss in detail what your expectations of a good relationship are and how you hope your lives will look together. As in so many areas, the clearer you can be about these things the more likely you are to achieve the relationship your desire.