The Impact of Neglect on our Children
I believe many of our parenting skills evolve from our lifelong experience of observing adult role models: our parents, our caregivers, and others. Of course, many books, articles, videos, and therapists may assist in the development of our parenting styles. But I would also emphasize the important role of common sense as it relates to parenting. Think about it: common sense tells us not to let our children play in a busy street, or allow our children near a hot stove unsupervised.
And therefore the statement that "neglecting our children at an early age can have negative consequences", can also be perceived as common sense. But the scientist in me appreciates when research justifies what I believe to be common sense. And so I want to share with you a recent research study published in the journal Pediatrics which found children who were neglected in the first two years of life may have a greater likelihood of aggression later in childhood when compared to older children (4, 6, 8 years of age). This highlights the importance of the first two years in a child's life. It is during these years that children learn to attach, to develop a sense of what is right and wrong, and to love. If children are neglected, the development of these characteristics and values is impaired and a path of greater aggression may be initiated.
So I would like to offer a few of the suggestions (primarily common sense) I give my parents at the early well child care visits to help create bonds with their children which will hopefully lead them down a path to have the capacity for empathy, to love, and to enjoy others.
- Sing and talk to your children: Not only does this stimulate their neurocognitive development, they learn the voice is coming from someone who will love and care for them--someone they can trust.
- Floor time: Whether performing some tummy time at 2 months of age, or gentle "wrestling" at 18 months of age, they realize you will come to their level and enjoy spending time with them.
- Eating meals together: Not always a simple thing to accomplish in this day in age, but children get so much pleasure when being able to perform the same tasks as their parents, particularly eating a good meal.
- Family walks: Just another chance to bond and enjoy the great outdoors.
- Quality Time: What I mean by this is if one parent (or both) arrives home late from work, I will often agree with adjusting bed times just so each parent gets some quality time with their child.
I would love to hear suggestions from others. We all can benefit.
Dr. Jeremy
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Hi. I'm a former counselor who specialized in attachment disorder and attachment parenting. This is all very true and concerned parents would do well to read on attachment parenting. Holding, touching and eye contact with your children the first two years are soooo important. As well as responding to their cries consistently for the first 9 months especially. Routines, consistency, touch, attention and eye contact are the so important in development of the little ones. The unfortunate thing is that this is so difficult with both parents working outside the home now. My best advice would be to try your hardest to have one parent home the first two years. Even one would be an improvement. I'll not be popular for suggesting this, I know, but perhaps one can look at their life and what material things that extra income is supporting and make adjustments for the sake of raising a grounded healthy and happy child who will use that foundation for the rest of their life. I've always said, I have the rest of my life to make money and be successful, I only have a few years to be a successful parent. If there is no way possible to have a parent home full-time, then the most time you can spend with your children just playing and doing normal things the better. A lot of parents work and then try to compensate for their absence by filling their child's schedule with activities, tee ball, play group, etc., when what the child REALLY needs is mommy and/or daddy to sit and snuggle or play ball in the back yard. Quantity time IS valuable. Quality is simply having your attention totally on your child. Best of luck to all the parents out there. It is hard work, but if you are reading this, you most likely really care and are doing the best you can! Keep up the good work!
~*~
By Prairie June 4, 2008 2:03pm
7
We eat dinner together as a family and my kids love to help me prepare the meal. Even the littlest can do something. For example, we used to eat a lot of mushrooms because even at age 3, he could cut the mushrooms for me with a butter knife. Older kids can handle more complicated food preparation and/or setting the table. It is sort of a fun time to come together, choose what we are going to eat and come up with things to surprise Daddy. :)
- PWSMom (Founder of Healing Autism Group)
By PWSMom June 4, 2008 1:04pm
6
she would never show up for dr visits, she didnt take him before she left him she wouldnt show up now, and if she did she would not have a clue. as you know autism is tough, everyone has to be on the same page, she is a pediatriac nurse, has been for over 20 yrs, she knows what to do, but refuses....so sad, the only one it hurts is ss.
By Priscila June 4, 2008 10:24am
5
Priscilla,
You bring up a very good point and I will occasionally see this with my parents who are separated as well. That is why I love seeing both parents at the physicals so I have the opportunity to speak with both at the same time.
By DrJeremy June 4, 2008 9:51am
4
Terphsichore1,
I'm sorry to hear of the differences you had with your husband. I would never tell a parent that lying down with your kids is wrong (in fact, I needed to do that with my first child for quite some time), however, but at some point, a child will not need the parent to sleep with them to fall asleep.
By DrJeremy June 4, 2008 9:48am
3
I agree with everything you've said. Unfortunately the differences in the parents' upbringing can become a source of conflict in parenting. I have a European background and was raised with the idea that children are very important and come first. My husband comes from a family where children were neglected and forgotten and so we constantly disagreed over what was best for our children. When they were younger, I loved to lie down with my kids and read them bedtime stories. It was a great time to bond and for them to tell me about their day. I often fell asleep with them and my husband took great offense to that and he sees it as a contributing factor to the breakdown of our marriage. Do you think lying down with your kids at bedtime is wrong?
By Terpsichore1 June 4, 2008 7:48am
2
yeah, i agree, but what do u do when there is a court ordered visiting thing and the parent that gets the child for visits undoes everything you do in just two days, and the child has autism. it makes things very hard on the child and the parent taking care of the child.
By Priscila June 3, 2008 11:31pm
1
ooooh do i agree! i hate to even get started on this subject cause i will go off!!! what is happening to parents these days?! i know the world has changed and i know most households have 2 working parents but KIDS SHOULD COME FIRST!!!
we shouldn't have to plan a specific time everyday to be with our kids but if that's what it takes then start planning! no more sticking kids in front of TV's for hours on end and walking away to have "your time"!
i would say reading is a great activity to do with toddlers. its so cute when my 3 year old niece knows when you skip words in her favorite book! definatly helps them to learn to focus and begin to associate words with pictures...
By NATURALLYCURED June 3, 2008 7:47pm