Spare the Responsibility, Coddle the Child at DailyStrength

Spare the Responsibility, Coddle the Child

By Cyndi May 23, 2008 4:01pm

My daughter just turned 6 years old last week, which seems to my husband and me like a really big number! It dawned on me that the summer after I turned 6 I was preparing to head off to sleep-away camp for the first time in my life.

I had a wonderful experience there and returned every summer for the next several years. I'm not sure much thought went into whether I was "old enough" to attend or if I was ready. I suppose I was on both counts and so were most of the other 6 year olds that were there at the same time.

I can't begin to imagine my child (or any of our friends' or family members' children) going away to sleep-away camp at this young age, nor do I know of anyone who is sending a child of that age. That was simply more common 35 to 40 years ago and it seemed perfectly normal. It has made me wonder if the pendulum hasn't swung a bit too far in the other direction. Most people would agree that the world is a scarier place today than it was so many years ago but have we as parents overreacted just a bit?

Children are capable of accomplishing a great many things. It is important for all parents to ask themselves if they are giving their young children the responsibilities that they deserve at their age. The nature of society today demands that we protect our children a bit more than did the parents of yesteryear. But I think it is possible to be protective from a farther distance than I see most parents doing. I hear about parents who are still dressing and bathing their 5, 6, 7 year old children, most of whom are completely capable of these tasks. I see parents running to hand their children things that those children could have easily retrieved for themselves. This is a subtle way to disable a child and in the long run doesn't allow for them to master their own surroundings and build self-confidence.

There are things parents can do to increase their child's ability to accept responsibility and grow into a competent person. Start by assessing your daily routine and breaking down the tasks that you and your child have to accomplish from morning until bedtime. Pull out of that list the things that you feel your child may be able to do on his or her own or with minimal help from you. This will vary of course by age but even a 2 year old can help in small ways like bringing you their shoes so you can put them on or handing a desired toy to a beckoning younger sibling.

The majority of 5 and 6 year olds can handle most of their own hygiene routine from brushing their teeth to dressing themselves and gathering the needed items for school. In the evening they can help with dinner prep by setting the table or even simple safe food preparation. By this age they should know what it means to clean their room and be able to do this without constant reminding.

As each year passes children should be given more responsibility for their environment and be expected to be an active member of the family and the daily routine. Often I hear from parents who say that it is so much quicker to "do it myself". Children don't always do the task the way we ourselves would do it and this is something we need to let go of.

In the grand scheme of things the benefit our children get from being able to follow through with a task that doesn't get redone is far greater than the need to have the task done perfectly. There is no need to make our children grow up any faster than necessary and there are many special ways to spend quality time with our kids. Allowing our children to master their environments is showing them the respect that they deserve. Not only are most parents surprised when they realize what their children are able to do for themselves but the relationship between parent and child begins to grow in a whole new way.

Comments

I agree with lots of things in this article but as a mother to two girls 6 and 8 I feel that we have to be more protective of them, there are so many children being abducted and abused that the world is not a safe place for them. I have just started letting my children play in the street but find it quite nervewracking although I played out at their age. As far as washing and dressing I still help my kids especially with washing because I want them to be clean!!! I dont think small children would do tasks like bathing and brushing teeth to a good enough standard and my 6 yr old especially likes me to help her and as a mum I think thats what i'm there for! I am in England and we dont have summer camp here but even if we did i wouldnt send my kids as we like them to be at home so we can enjoy time with them as a family, I like the school holidays because I like my girls being around all day and not in school

By petalp May 27, 2008 9:47am

The world is NOT a scarier place than it used to be. We just hear a lot more news than we used to hear. We forget that although there is some kind of destruction going on almost every day, that it is NOT happening here every day.

I grew up in what is now called the South Bronx. I was using public transportation ALONE at 11 or 12, as were all of my friends.

It was taken for granted that at 5 or 6 or 7 you went out to play, alone, without an adult, and OUT didn't mean a fenced in back yard. In my case it meant the sidwalk in front of a 6 story apartment building on a major shopping street.

By ImAStar May 25, 2008 7:30pm

I really enjoyed this article and agree! thanks!

By flutestarkiss9 May 24, 2008 9:56pm

Thank you for posting such a great blog. You raise so many valid points that I see within my practice. It is a different time.

By DrJeremy May 24, 2008 10:27am

This is a great topic. I think a lot of parents (including myself) SHOULD allow and insist that their children take on more responsibility. I believe part of it is coddling and part of it is impatience. It seems like we don't have the time or the patience to allow our children to learn skills or perform duties.... sometimes, it's just easier if we do ourselves. Maybe so, but we are dismissing an important lesson along the way. Thanks for this great reminder.

By HelloChrissy May 24, 2008 1:27am

I observe many similar things as a parent today. It's interesting, what you wrote about sending a 6yo to overnight camp without a parent. I think my 6yo would be fine and enjoy it and thrive, ... my issues are different, it's about not trusting those in charge there.

Either that they don't watch the children closely enough (as in the children having too much unsupervised time in which they could fall prey to unauthorized adults (not on the safe side) or to other children who might tend to bully) or that there aren't enough eyes watching them over all. I think often child care providers are young adults who often don't have children of their own. I worry that they won't keep a close enough eye on my child in this type of situation, especially if water sports is involved.

I supposed this stems from my own horrible camp experiences at the age of 16. I recall walking a little too slowly on a 5mi hike, being left behind with one other camper and alone along a country road, with a fork in it, not knowing which way is back to camp! All I wanted to do was knock on a door and have my parents come take me home from this very atypical camping experience.

I'd like to hear your feedback about parental issues regarding trust of other caregivers. Especially when typical camp policy is to NOT allow children to call their parents. What if something really bad happened (such as a frightening incident, or molestation or fondling, etc) and my child only wanted to tell his parent (and he's not sure about telling a counselor) but wasn't allowed contact with parents?

By mechellebelle May 23, 2008 10:45pm

Oh yes I remember when my mommy send me to camp, it was both bitter sweet. It was a excellent learning experenceand memories to cherish for life. I went to coed summer camp from six to thirteen years old. Camp is not like it use to be, for a lot of reasons. They do not train counselors like they use to, too much secrecy on application forums/medical forums, poor screening and unhealthy social gatherings. Camping is a wonderful thing in a child's life : but, it is starting to become a residential and a nursing facility! This is coming from a lady in the blind community. Yes the environment of twelve years ago is no longer to day! i hated then: but, I missed them now. Children interacted with each other including the counselors, staff and directors, no was no and yes was yes, time out was time out and talk was talk! Good luck!

By KindredSpirit May 23, 2008 10:35pm

Many people are still sending their children off at that age around here, my nieces ahve gone since they were both 7, they are now 9 and 11, I still think that is too young.
I didn't send my boys until they were in junior high school and they only went for a couple of weeks.
My sister in law sends her girls to the same Jewish girls camp that she attended and most of her friends send thier children there too.
I believe it is a very common thing to do in certain groups , not mine but many

By lilijbr May 23, 2008 10:10pm

Something to think on!

My four children all have things they need to do as far as duties in the home.

My 5 and 7 year olds have a funny way to dress themselves on there own, so they choose there clothing if we are staying home! MY 7 year old just began bathing herself, and my 5 year old I still help him. I want to make sure they understand the importance of being clean, and taking care of every body part, and every single tooth.

I also beleive that some children are ready before others to do certain things, and there is no rush, you will not be bathing them when they graduate from highschool! lol

By onlybythegraceofGOD May 23, 2008 7:46pm

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In Session - Notes from the Couch

By Cyndi Sarnoff-Ross

Spare the Responsibility, Coddle the Child

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