All is NOT Fair in Love and War
It is OK to argue and even to be angry at your partner. In fact, this dynamic is an essential part of any equal and satisfying relationship.
When we express a difference of opinion or we adamantly disagree with our mate we are creating an opportunity for negotiation, compromise and resolution. When we emerge on the other side of an argument in many cases we have grown and actually strengthened our union. This positive outcome can only be possible in the presence of rules and boundaries for "fighting".
There is an invisible line that I talk about in therapy with couples that each person is aware of crossing, and if they are absent that awareness then they need to learn, through intimate dialogue, where that line exists. Crossing that line sometimes means doing irreparable damage to the relationship. It is otherwise known as "fighting dirty" which leaves wounds that are very difficult to heal. While this does happen in the heat of anger, it is never OK.
Couples can actually learn to monitor their fighting behaviors by having a signal or a cue that tells their mate that they are dangerously close to the line. Discussing in advance how the process feels can also be helpful. One person might shut down entirely and they need to be able to find a way to reenter the discussion. Another may resort to yelling, which causes fear in their mate. Learning about each other's history is a key element to this process and to building empathy. If the "yeller" comes to understand that their partner retreats because a parent used to yell at them when they were a child, it may help to grow both empathy and intimacy and even to break the vicious cycle. The "yeller" may feel the need to raise his or her voice because in their family of origin they were never heard unless they did so.Each partner needs to break old habits of fighting and recognize that the ultimate goal is to preserve and better the relationship and not simply to win.
I encourage people to talk about how they fight, what it feels like and where their sacred lines stand. I also recommend that people debrief after a difficult argument in order to learn how they could have better communicated with one another even given their frustration with the other person. It is important to address any residual anger or upset after an argument so that resentment doesn't build and create a new set of difficulties. This by no means implies that everyone will come to a solid agreement but learning to agree to disagree, while maintaining a respectful interaction, is a skill that can be learned over time and with practice.
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13
my x wife loved to yell so loud people could hear her in other countrys. she used to get mad at me because I didn't like to argue. she liked to scream over stupid stuff, she also found pleasure in breaking things and beating her kids. that was not constructive arguement/fighting . I stayed with her until her last child moved out, I stayed because I used to stop her from beating her kids, yes HER kids they were my stepkids but I love them like they are my own, back to the subject.
I now have a great wife and we have been together 4 years now. we have never had an arguement or a fight because we agree on everything.
I always wanted a wife like that but I never thought it was possible until I met angel her name fits her,lol. we treat eachother really good , we respect eachother & let eachother be themselves.
alot of people say just wait you'll have your fights, lol
we don't want that because we had enough of that bs with our X'S
yes it's possible to live without arguements if you just let eachother be who they are n respect their wishes, argueing with a mate usualy does no good. of all the yelling my x did I never seen anything good come out of it.
By cowboy357 June 1, 2008 2:20am
12
Your story is a great example of cooperation, congratulations. My wife and I have been married for 22 Years, I can't say it's been perfect but it has been great. We have no signels, we just give each other space, but don't go to bed mad, you just wake up mad.
By RaymondMc May 21, 2008 2:19pm
11
My husband after an argrument and I have had my say, even if I feel like it has not been resolved, feels like because I had my say everything should be OK now and go back to life as normal, when I am still hurt and resentful. Because of this, I sometimes just shut down and refuse to get into it because I feel like I can't get anywhere anyway so why try. He sees nothing wrong with any of this.
By ToniCB May 21, 2008 10:09am
10
Thank you so much for posting this.. wish i had read something like this years ago.. In recent months we come up w/ a signal.. and its working.. Thank for also explaing why we react the way we do.. such as .. the yelling & the retreating/shutting down..
By svdbylove May 19, 2008 12:27am
9
I have just taken time to read the other postings here, and am I delighted as a male to hear that it is not just our gender that is short sighted in our views. Peace comes from seeing common ground, it matters not whether it is at husband wife or country to country level. without common ground we have war.
People who genuinely care both for themselves and others have no problems with communication, so it stands to reason that if you don't care for both yourself and others you are selfish, and are in need of guidance, so my advice is to listen to Cyndi's message and become wiser and smarter for doing so. We ALL have the potential to do that so make it your goal from this point on to fulfill such potential, that is my challenge to you.
By YumYumChum May 18, 2008 7:24pm
8
Sounds great, is great. The problem with abused people in childhood though is that they are very rarely protected by the authority assigned to protect them. They subsequently have no positive foundation whatsoever when they enter into a loving relationship with the opposite because invariably that relationship is with someone of their own kind.
How do we help these people? We don't, we wait for them to grow into adults, commit crimes against society, which is what society has done to them by ignoring their childhood needs, and then throw them into jail, and thus eliminate them from that which contributed to the source of the problem in the first place.
I am sick and tired of this event. Todays children are tomorrows criminals, we all know it, and choose to sit on our hands and do nothing but criticise them for their learned behaviour. We do gooders inform these children of the error of their ways but mum and dad inflict such pain on them that our message of guidance for them can not be heard. These children suffer from not being afforded their birth rights, and it is left up to caring people such as yourself to beat your head up against a brick wall. Keep up the fight, it is worth it.
By YumYumChum May 18, 2008 6:29pm
7
My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for 4 years. She is ready to get married, but he claims he has no money for a ring or a wedding. Don't you think she needs to leave him for awhile in order to get him to see the light? My heart goes out to her, especially since she has truly tried every way possible to have things work out for the both of them. He was married before and lost so much money in the divorce, but I think he will never propose even though he claims he does want to get married.
By sensitiveone May 18, 2008 11:22am
6
Marry someone elses former spouse and you will soon find out why thay were available.
By bumpas10 May 17, 2008 12:05pm
5
I completely agree with this, i just wish i could get my partner to understaind this. every time we fight, it's usualy he yells at me and if i yell back and resist his attempt to over power me in the arguement (which are usualy over the phone, so no worrys of phycical over powerment) he will he what hes doing and will apoligize and i always tell him fighting is ok as long as we talk it ovewr and we aren't still mad after. However, this don't work with every fight so things are still rocky. But knowing this helps me to know i should keep trying and to try talking to my partner. Thanks!
By Abbagail May 17, 2008 10:21am
4
Lines, signals and cues. That's all too much to think about, too complicated. Talk, talk talk, LOL, it's like when you mother tells you to do something and after a while you tune it out and it's only noise.
Bottom line. ''Just the facts, Mam, just the facts''. All I want is the bottom line. Say it in plain language and don't go into details.
Example, he wants grass in the front of the house. I don't. OUT goes the grass. We can 'duke it out' later ... or get a divorce. LOL. I don't like to loose, when I do I get mad and that's not a pretty sight, haha. Talking is for sissies. In cases like that. Besides, when someone has their mind made up, there's not much you can do to change it.
By NormLNorma May 16, 2008 9:11pm
3
we really need to watch what we say to one another and no matter how mad we get please never down your bf or gf and thank you for posting this because its really important how we act when we are mad and needing to learn how to deal with it in another way instead of fighting. calm down and then maybe talk, write a note or give it time for both to calm down
By jvaughn2008 May 16, 2008 1:04am
2
Thanks so much for posting!
By StephanieDawn May 15, 2008 10:34pm
1
I know what u mean my husband tells me how fat and alfull I am to look at when we argue and I can't git that out of my head now though he said he just wanted to hurt me at the time
By formenow May 15, 2008 4:21pm